Brightest Flames Leave the Deepest Scars
by hopelesslyhalfhearted
Summary: True love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars. Marissa returns 8 years after leaving for Greece.
1. Prologue

Prologue

I was scared, death was upon me, but I wasn't scared of death. It was that I couldn't remember any of my life; I couldn't understand how I got here, I didn't even know where here was. It was a hospital, but where? I wanted to know about my life, to remember it. I remembered it being good, but I remembered being sad as well, sad and angry. But everyone has bad moments in life; it doesn't make their life bad, I thought to myself. There was a man sat holding my hand, I didn't know who he was, but for some reason I wasn't frightened, he seemed good and kind. He just stared into my eyes, was he my partner? He looked so handsome; his blue eyes seemed to melt away my fears. Yes, he could defiantly be trusted.

We just sat there in silence for a while. He never once took his eyes of mine, never let my hand go. I needed to talk; I wasn't sure how to begin.

"Do I know you?" I inquired of the stranger.

"Yes," he replied softly, it was one word, one simple word that I had heard a thousand times before, but it made my heart skip a beat.

"Who are you?" my eyes searched him for any clue.

"Whoever you want me to be," he replied, his head cocked to one side. I didn't say anything after this, his vague answers deterred me from venturing further and it seemed as if he didn't want to talk. We were silent again. Thoughts rushed through my mind. I wished I could just remember him. He seemed important; I hoped he was important to me. I think I liked him. Why was he being so vague? It was annoying. I wanted to talk, to anyone, but now he had got me hooked. He was so mysterious. Those eyes, they seem to hold so many secrets. It was all so interesting, I didn't think I'd ever been that excited, though I couldn't really say, I couldn't remember. What if he was the only person left who cared about me? Was he my only family, my only friend?

That would be sad, maybe I'm a bit of an Eleanor Rigby, I remember thinking. Maybe I should talk to him. It might be my last chance to talk to anyone. I might have hurt him; maybe that's why he's being so vague. He could have hurt me. But he'll think I'm weird, not knowing anything.

There was a constant battle going on inside my head.

Has he talked to me before? Maybe he's already told me about my life, reminded me before and I've forgotten again. Would it annoy him doing it again? No this is stupid he might not even know my life story. But if he didn't know me he would be sitting here. Damn it, I'm gunna talk to him whether he likes it or not, I thought to myself.

"So I'm going to talk and I'm kinda hoping for better answers. But if you don't want to talk you can just say. I doesn't mean I'll shut up, I think I'm dying so I'll just talk to make noise, even if you don't listen." I somehow managed to make the whole thing come out in one breath. I breathed deeply afterwards, which made the strange man laugh. He seemed to be hiding some torture he felt; I could see it in his eyes.

"Talk just to make noise," he murmured, this part of my words seemed to make him laugh. "Ok then," the man leaned in closer, so that we were almost touching noses, "Do you want to hear a story, Miss. Cooper?"

"Ok," I breathed heavily, as I said the word. Who was this guy and why was he having such an effect on me? He leaned out and opened his mouth, beginning to speak...


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Well it all started..."

"Not too far away from here," The handsome man had been interrupted by a weedy man leaning against the doorway. His hair was curly and unbelievably messy; it was like a mini afro. The two knew each other, I could tell from the way the handsome man glared at the newcomer. At first I was worried about hostility, but the newcomer just laughed it off. "Sorry mate couldn't help it," He laughed as he sat next to the blue eyed beauty; I would refer to him as that until I found out his name. Beauty.

"You never can," Beauty replied. He flashed a crooked smile at the newcomer, it was the first time his eyes had left mine, but it was only for a moment and soon they were back to their original place.

"You really shouldn't start like that all the time, jazz it up a little, be DIFFERENT! I thought it would be boring enough repeating the same story over and over again, never mind reciting it word for word!" I felt guilty then. So this man had spoken to me before, about the same thing and every time he told me I must have forgotten. I was boring him. I couldn't bore Beauty, it felt cruel.

"It's not boring, it's never boring." Said Beauty softly, still staring into my eyes. That really made my heart skip, I had to know him, I just had to.

"So we're telling the story again. I'll stay with you, but I'm not keeping along with your usual monotone dribble. If it's not boring for you, it's probably boring for her and it is defiantly boring for me." The newcomer seemed almost triumphant, though he hadn't won anything as far as I could tell.

"Whatever Seth, but don't annoy me." Seth, so that was the newcomer's name, even as he said this Beauty still stared at me. "He's one annoying bugger that one," It was the first time since newcomer, I mean Seth, walked in that either seemed to acknowledge me. Before then they'd been speaking as if I wasn't in the room.

"Oh I am," Seth said. It was clear to me that these two teased each other, but it seemed playful. Almost like brothers. A lady walked into the room then, she was brunette and rather small. She sat down next to Seth, not gracefully like I would have expected her to, she just plonked herself down. "That's one of the reasons my wife and I are perfect. We share personality traits!" Seth directed his comment at me, he made me laugh. He seemed like a funny guy this Seth. The girl hit him around the head when he said it though, but it was a playful hit.

"OWWW, woman! You don't even know what we were talking about!" Seth replied indignantly to the smack.

"I know it's something to do with your sarcastic humour, Cohen, and that's never good when my name's mentioned." She replied, pretending to be angry. She wasn't a very good actress.

"But I didn't even mention your name, my lovely,"

"Wife?"

"Ok, but that isn't actually your name." She raised her hand playfully at this comment and he pretend to shy away before giving her a peck on the lips.

Beauty still stared into my eyes, and I stared back into his. I saw how tortured he was, he didn't look like he'd slept in days. His eyes gave away everything he was trying to hide. He looked scared, worried and most of all alone. He looked lonely, even among these two people who I knew must be his friends.

The lady reached over to Beauty and put her hand on his knee.

"Are you ok?" she inquired, she seemed worried about him.

"Yeah, I'm fine Sum. I was about to tell Marissa here a...erm...story." His last word seemed to be hard to say.

"It's not a story," The lady said to me, "It's not a story because it's true, all of it. People really did this stuff. Some of it sounds a little crazy but people did it. They had feelings and thoughts about everything that happened. There really are people out there who experienced all that he's going to tell you, felt it all, people who really felt the things he's going to tell you, people who remember it all. And don't regret a single minute of it. Because it made them who they are now, all those experiences and feelings played a part in making them. What they felt for each other, that was real too." And halfway through her speech I got the feeling she was no longer telling me something, rather convincing herself, Seth and Beauty of something.

Beauty looked at her, "Thank you, Sum" he said. I wasn't sure if he was saying thank you for the knowledge I now had about this 'story' or for what she was trying to secretly say to him.

"Come on then, let's get started." Seth said, trying to lighten the mood. He put his arm around Sum and she buried her head in his chest. Was she crying? I wondered what Sum was short for. I couldn't think of anything.

"I'm not really sure where the whole thing begins. I suppose it really began when they met, but there was so much...stuff that happened because of events before that." Beauty's eyes looked even more tortured as he said this, I felt guilty. It seemed to be my fault. "Well, they met..."

"They, being a girl and boy. And well he was a newcomer to town, it was a rich town, Newport it was called. She was the princess, rich kid, lived there all her life with Queen Mummy and King Daddy and her little princess sister." Seth interrupted again, he smiled at me. I liked Seth, but not how I liked Beauty. Beauty look at Seth, he seemed upset with the way Seth had described these two people.

"Thanks, Seth. Well he'd been recently adopted by a family who lived in Newport, next door to this girl. His home before had been...broken. He lived in a bad neighbourhood, in a bad town. His elder brother got into all sorts of trouble, though what would you expect when their father had been put away for 20 years when he was only 5. He was the good boy of the family. His mum was drunk all the time, occasionally high. She had a tendency to get bad boyfriends. One was particularly bad, he moved in with them. He hated him, he hit his mother and if he tried to protect her, he hit him too... "

"Look, dude, give them names, even if it isn't their real names because this is going to get so confusing. Even for me and I've heard this a thousand times over." Seth interrupted Beauty again. I was glad he did, I was beginning to get confused as to which 'he' or 'she' Beauty was referring to.

"Oh, yeah, sorry." This all seemed like a difficult subject for Beauty to talk about. "Well the boy, call him James and the girl Emily. The mother can be called..."

"Kat, as a reference to Catwoman, then the brother can be called...Owen. The boyfriend guy is an asshole and pretty fucked up in the head so let's call him Joker." Seth had interrupted again; he seemed to like choosing names for these people. I remembered what Sum had said, that it was real, that it wasn't a story. Maybe they knew who was in the story; maybe they were in it themselves. They may have been changing their own names; mine was probably in their somewhere too. I learnt something new or possibly I was remembering it, but Seth, he seemed to like comics.

"Yeah, those are the same as yesterday, what happened to being DIFFERENT?" Beauty emphasised the word just as Seth had done earlier.

"Hey, dude, I didn't want to totally confuse you."

"Whatever. So to cut it short James got kicked out of his home, Kat couldn't cope so he got adopted by the Ascher family. The adults of the family, Tom and Lilly had one son, Josh. Josh was the same age as James, they became best friends, like brothers. James and Emily fell in love, but it was never gunna work out." It looked like it hurt Beauty to say these words; he seemed to be rushing through everything. "It seemed better for them to be friends, but they weren't even that in the end. And..." At that point Beauty looked like he was about to cry, his voice just stopped. And he stood up, letting go of my hand for the first time. I felt cold without him sat there. "I'm sorry, I just...I...I...it hurts." He look at Seth and Sum apologetically, then he turned to me and his soft eyes looked into mine. He tried to hide it; he quickly turned his head away and walked out of the white room.

There had been a tear in his eye.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Sorry about that. It really is difficult for him. He never has talked much, he feels uncomfortable talking too much. Unlike me, but you've probably already remembered that." Seth glanced at me, his comment made me laugh. Then I realised something, he had said remembered, he hadn't said realised. I had already known at some point in my life about this man's character. "And well the subject...that hurts him too. Though he's never walked out before, he's sat here every day and said it. For you." The way he said his last two words made me feel something. It's hard to explain, but it felt almost like Seth was trying to tell me Beauty would do anything for me.

"So, I've heard the story before?" It was the first time I had spoken in their presence. What I said seemed to hurt Sum; I noticed her hand reach out to Seth's. She seemed pained by my memory, or lack of.

"Yes, you've done more than hear it." Sum hit her husband then. This time it didn't seem playful, it was more like she was reminding him of something. "Sorry," He had said the wrong thing.

"I suppose we'll have to tell it." Sum said the words softly, though her tears had dried from earlier, I think she was still crying inside.

"You don't mind do you?" Seth asked me.

"No. It's going to be the same story, right?" I wanted to make sure I would be hearing what Beauty had wanted me to.

"Yes, but...we might not know so much about the main characters...feelings as he does. But I doubt he would have told you about them anyway, he's a bit like that. Keeps himself to himself, if you know what I mean."

"That's ok. I know you don't I; both of you. You said I had remembered that you talk a lot. So I've known about you before."

"Clever as always, I'm Summer." So that's what Sum was short for.

"And you've already figured I'm Seth, with that clever as always brain of yours." Seth chirped. I looked into his eyes; they seemed to be masking feelings, just like Beauty's. I could see he was attempting to be strong for Summer. "So, shall we begin?"

"Yep." I couldn't wait to hear what they had to say, but I was scared as well.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**I sat there, outside the door, for 3 hours listening to Seth tell her. Tell her about me, tell her about herself. Then tell her about us. He explained her life to her from the age of 16-18 in 3 hours, I wondered if she knew that it was her in the story, that it was us, that we were the Core Four. And in those 3 hours I realised something, those 2 years of her life that Seth had described, he was also describing 2 years of my life. Those 2 years I was around Marissa Cooper, she wasn't just a part of my life, she was my life. Apart or together, she was my life for 2 years. And I hated to admit it, but she was still my life a long time after that.**

**I don't know why I couldn't do it that day. Maybe it was just one day too many of her looking into my eyes without knowing anything; of seeing the lost expression on her face. It hurt; it ripped me up inside that she didn't remember it. The time I felt as the most important and best time in my life, mostly because of her. And she didn't remember it. It wasn't her fault I knew that, she wasn't herself right now.**

**I remember getting distracted in my thoughts, when it got to the point it hurt too much to think I tried to focus on what Seth was saying.**

"**So, that isn't the end of the whole thing, it's just the beginning. I've stopped now because that was sort of the end of the beginning, Mar..." I don't know what came over me, but when I heard him start saying her name I burst into the room.**

"**She isn't Marissa Cooper," the words just came out of my mouth; they all looked at me, confused looks on their faces. I saw Seth and Summer's expressions turn to ones of worry.**

"**She is, mate." Seth looked at me blankly when he said this.**

"**She...she...she...isn't," Seth was about to speak when Summer nudged him, a sign to shut up. "She isn't. Everything that makes Marissa who she is she can't remember. She isn't Marissa Cooper until we tell her the damn story again." She looked at me, she seemed sad. I saw guilt in her wonderfully wide green eyes, I felt bad. "Until then...until then...she's just a girl called Marissa." Until then she's not the person I love, I thought to myself.**

**And I knew then why I couldn't tell the story that day. A part of me didn't want her to remember, because whenever she did, the next morning she would wake up and have forgotten. And it broke my heart that every time she woke in the morning I knew what the first thing she would say to me was. Not I love you like in my dreams, not even hello, just who are you. I remember, after a few times of reciting the story, I realised something. How now 3 words in the morning could break my heart, but then at night 3 words repaired it. Even if just temporarily. **

**Summer got up and hugged me. She squeezed so tight I remember thinking she'd never let go. I didn't want her to; I felt safe, unbreakable, inside and out. But not as safe as I would have felt if it had been Marissa hugging me.**

**We sat down and we were all silent for a while. Then she spoke, softly, just the sound of her voice seemed to warm the room.**

"**Well, could you tell me? If it doesn't hurt too much, can you finish the story? So I get back to being Marissa Cooper." Those words, they were Marissa Cooper's words. And suddenly I felt like I'd been taken back to being 16 and her asking me about my life.**

"_**Can you tell me, about your family, your life? Can you tell me about what makes you Ryan Atwood?" **_

**And now she was asking me to tell her what made Marissa Cooper. I had never thought, not once, that that would happen. **

**I remembered all the times she had helped me. I knew I had to tell her. No matter how much it hurt me, because I couldn't bear that not telling her, not hurting me, would hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. Never. And I was hurting anyway, I'd always be hurting. What difference did telling her make?**

**I took her hand. I wondered if she knew who Emily was, if she knew who anyone in the story was.**

"**Did Seth get up to Greece?" I asked.**

"**Yes, James and Emily were in the car, on the way to the airport." She was so gentle with her words; she seemed cautious, afraid that at anytime something she said would hurt me. **

**Before I began I took my eyes of hers and glanced at Seth and Summer. They gave me the 'We're right behind you' look, and I began finishing the story.**


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The road ahead was dark for James, not only in the literal sense. He was driving his first ever love to the airport. He was letting her go. And he had no idea what would happen after that. He couldn't see anything for him after she left. He couldn't see a future. He was letting her slip away...again.

He didn't even want to look at her, scared of what he would see. Was she hurting too? He didn't want to see her hurting; but what if she didn't, if she was perfectly fine leaving him. He couldn't bear to see that either. Emily was leaving. Not for the first time, but somehow James knew it would be the last.

As they unloaded the trunk of the jeep their hands touched as they both reached for the same bag. Their faces turned to each other, they stood in silence. They didn't need words. Their eyes said everything for them.

They both looked sad, more than sad; distraught. Like their whole world was falling apart, neither had the same twinkle in their eyes that they had had before. Neither showed any sign of hope.

When they reached the gate they knew it was goodbye. His head was spinning from the thoughts going around his head. _It's not the end, it's the beginning; a fresh start. _He kept telling himself, trying to convince himself it was right for them. It didn't work. This girl had been his life for the past two years, not just a part of it. Without her he was...incomplete. In a few minutes she'd been gone, taking a part of him with her. It was like Romeo without Juliet, Adam with no Eve, Barbie and no Ken. It was Captain Oats without Princess Sparkle. He was nothing without her.

"Well, goodbye." James stared at his feet as he said this. It felt like someone had just ripped him to pieces. All he wanted to do was tell her to stay. To stay with him forever, he wanted to grow old with her by his side.

"Yes. Goodbye." Her eyes welled with tears. He heard muffled sobs, but he couldn't look up. No matter how much he wanted to. All he wanted was to hold her at that moment, tell her it would all be alright. He never wanted anything more in his life. He couldn't bear seeing her hurting like this. But, she had to do this. It was the right thing.

And he watched her walk away, out of the building toward the plane. He watched her walk out of his life forever.

He stood there looking out the huge glass window, onto the runway. He stayed and watched her plane fly off into the distance. He turned around, looking upon the arrivals area.

He saw families greeting loved ones. Two children held a banner with the message welcome home Daddy on it. Their mother stood beside them and when a man in army uniform appeared out of the tunnel the children started jumping up and down.

"We're here Daddy, over here" they screamed. And he ran to them, with a huge smile on his face. His children ran into his arms and he knelt so he could kiss them. And he cried. His wife walked over to them slowly and embraced her husband like she never wanted to let go.

It was the first time James had seen a man cry out of happiness. He found himself feeling jealousy toward the stranger. He had everything. James saw that the man had felt sadness, but he was happy now. He got the chance to be made happy again. James didn't think he would ever be happy again. The stranger had the happy ending James would never have. _People with unhappy beginnings don't get happy endings. _James told himself as he walked back to the car.

*******************

When James parked on the driveway, he sat in the car; just thinking. There was so much to think about. Most of it hurt, he didn't want to think about that. He was going to Berkeley. That was good, wasn't it? He'd become an architect. The job would pay well, but that didn't matter, he'd never be short of money with Tom and Lilly's generosity. No matter what he thought about he couldn't think of anything that made him happy, made him feel any better.

James got out of the car and walked up to the house he called home. As he walked through the hall he caught sight of the photo hanging on the wall, it was of happier times. It was of Josh, him, Autumn (Josh's girlfriend) and...and Emily. They'd sailed to an empty beach. It was a good day.

James just stared at the picture for a while and when he couldn't look at her anymore he continued on into the kitchen. Josh sat there, eating as always. Autumn leaned against his shoulder.

"Love, I do appreciate the contact, but you're making it really difficult to eat. I'm missing my mouth." Josh told his girlfriend.

"That's amazing Ascher, missing a mouth as big as yours!" Autumn teased back, as she lifted her head. She saw me then. "Hey," Josh spun round.

"Hey mate. You ok?" He didn't answer his foster brother's question and just continued into the pool house.

"Do you think he's alright?" Autumn asked as she watched James leave.

"I'd like to say yes, but honestly...I just don't know." Replied Josh as he put his arm around her. They watched James take off his shirt, revealing the legendary wife beater and begin punching his punch bag. They just hoped this wasn't the old James returning.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I knew as soon as he'd started describing James' feelings; I knew they were his own. The way he told me about them in such detail, the look in his eyes when he spoke about the pain. He looked like speaking about it made him feel like that all over again. He was telling me the story of his life.

"You're James aren't you? You're telling me your life story aren't you?" I asked him, trying to keep my voice as gentle as possible. I didn't want to upset him.

"Yes, I'm...James. Well that isn't my name; you usually remember my real name when we get a bit further on. You've never realised that I was James this quickly before. It always takes you a little longer." Beauty looked into my eyes; he was trying to see how what he had said affected me. I realised that every day they must tell me about this, and every day I remembered who it was about. Why was I quicker realising he was James this time? I didn't know. "It's not my life story though." He added.

"But it's about you, about you falling in love, about the pain you feel afterwards. You haven't finished, so I'm presuming you'll continue until telling me about your life up to the present day."

"Yes, this part is about me."

"So, it's your life story!"

"No." I looked at him blankly. "No, it's Emily's. I just...I...I don't know how she was feeling when we separated. So I tell you about how I was, because it's relevant to her life." He seemed ashamed that he'd missed out on a part of the girl's life.

"Is Josh Seth?" The way Beauty had described his foster brother seemed a perfect match.

"Yes," Seth answered for Beauty.

"And Autumn is..."

"Me," Summer cut me off before I could finish my question, but it was the answer I was looking for. These people had felt the things, lived through the things I'd been told about. Just like Summer had said before we began. This Emily girl had been a big part of their lives, up to as far as I had been told. They were all friends, best friends. The Core Four, Seth had said. Beauty had had his heart torn away from him on more than one occasion in the short space of 2 years. I understood the sadness in his eyes now. He had been hurt really badly.

"And Emily?" I asked, her identity was the one piece of the puzzle that was missing. They all exchanged glances. It dawned on me slowly. "She had a sister called Caitlin didn't she? And I remember things now. I remember my sister she's called..."

"You didn't change the names???" It was the first time I'd seen Beauty genuinely angry, as he turned his gaze on Seth.

"Look...I was getting really confused. It was hard enough for me to not slip a Cohen remark in there by accident, I could barely remember which name corresponded to Mum or Summer never mind renaming the whole Cooper family!" Seth replied. I remembered my life...up until I was 18 anyway. My 3 best friends were sat in front of me. I wasn't sure if they were still my friends, but I felt the sudden urge to hug them. I loved them all, Emily loved these people, I was Emily, Marissa Cooper was Emily and I was Marissa Cooper. It felt so good to be able to remember. It was like stepping out of a dark tunnel into the light. I didn't feel as scared anymore. I jerked my body up and hugged them. Summer and Seth embraced me, but Beauty pulled back. I looked into his eyes and memories flashed through my head.

"_Who are you?"_

"_Whoever you want me to be."_

That was such a bad line, so very Beauty like. I wish I could remember his name. I was running through every memory of him, every time his name was mentioned, but whatever I remembered there was just silence where his name should have been.

I looked at him, my eyes questioning why he had backed away.

"You don't remember past 18 do you?" He asked when everyone had sat down.

"No," When I said this I realised something. I didn't remember anything past leaving for Greece to be with my Dad. I didn't remember anything past the day I broke both our hearts.

"Well, you don't know anything about the time in between then and now." I didn't. I couldn't remember when I had come back from Greece. I knew I was back, this was Newport. I could see the sea and the beach outside the window. Had I moved on from him? Had he moved on from me? I couldn't remember. And suddenly I felt scared again.

"How old are we?" I needed to know how much time had passed since I had left.

"26." Beauty answered. 8 years. So much could have happened in 8 years.

"What happened in 8 years?"

"I don't know about you. You only came back because well because of your accident. Until 3 weeks ago I hadn't seen you for 8 years."

"Why didn't we talk about it?"

"About what?"

"About my life, about your life?"

"You couldn't."

"Why?" He didn't answer me he just looked into my eyes. A tear ran down the side of his cheek, he didn't try hiding it this time. I realised the answer to my question. "I couldn't remember."

"You were in...a plane crash. They took you here to be with your family. Your mum lives here still. They needed people around you who could tell you about your life. There were some things Ben didn't know. He thought it was best. They say maybe you'll remember it one day and...and...retain what you remember and go back to how you were...Marissa Cooper aged 26." Who was Ben? I noticed he had said the name with a certain disgust.

"And how do I remember Marissa Cooper aged 26?"

"Usually you find out the big events and your memory...fills in the gaps."

"But you said you didn't know what happened to me..." I was so confused.

"We don't, we only know the big events that Ben told us about." Seth had answered for Beauty, who seemed incapable of doing anything. He looked so hurt, wounded. "You went with your Dad, worked for him. Then you went to college in England of all places, Oxford University. You met Ben there. He was studying law and you did medicine. After graduating you both moved in together and worked in London. You're a doctor. You're engaged...to Ben. You were coming over here to tell your Mum when the plane crashed."

And they were right, those few events made me remember everything; my feelings about them and all the little things in between. Made me remember my experiences and what I had learnt from them. I remembered the year spent on my Dad's boat missing Beauty. I needed to remember his name. Ben had helped me. I loved Ben. Not as much as I loved Beauty. I loved Beauty even more seeing what he was doing for me, helping me even though it must have hurt him so much.

"What did you all do?" I wanted to know about my friends. They all seemed taken aback by my question. "What's wrong?" I asked, worried.

"Nothing...you've just never asked that before." Summer answered.

"I haven't?"

"No. If we tell you...it won't be something we're reminding you about. It will be something we're telling you, because you haven't spoken to us for 8 years...apart from these 3 weeks and that was just us telling you about...you."

"So what did you do?" I said it gently I wasn't sure if they wanted to tell me. Summer seemed most willing, her face lit up. I think she loved having her best friend back. I loved having her back.

"Well, Cohen and I went to Brown." Ha, she still called everyone by their last name. "We got engaged! It was so romantic Coop! A first for Cohen, I know!" she added when she saw the surprise on my face.

"I've got my own graphic novel company; Atomic County is a big hit." I smiled, remembering his first drafts of the comic based on our lives. "Well, Sum and I got married," Summer held her hand up showing off the diamond encrusted gold ring on her finger, she then grabbed Seth's hand showing me the same ring on his finger. It didn't look to girly, it suited both of them perfectly. "And Sum's expecting our first baby!"

"I'm so happy for you guys!" I said as Summer embraced me. I looked over toward Beauty, he was smiling at something Seth had just said in his ear. The smile seemed false, like he was doing his best for his friends.

"And Ryan here..." Ryan, Beauty's name was Ryan. Ryan Atwood. My first love, the person who was always there to pick me up when I was down, the person I had trusted with everything. And here he was picking me up again. "Ryan spent the next 2 years like brooding and hitting walls and punch bags at home. Then he went to Berkeley and did the same thing for a year and then he met the lovely Tamsin."

"Who turned out to be not so lovely!" Summer added. They were all quite for a brief moment, I looked at them blankly.

"Well they got engaged and she left him standing at the altar. This guy stood up out of his seat and whisked her away into the sunset." I looked at Ryan in between Seth's words; his face was toward the floor. "It was really quite tragic. After you left him broken hearted he was so scared of getting hurt again he didn't date for 3 years. She seemed like the person to help him; she helped him then left him in a worst state than when she found him. I mean when she came along Ryan was just about getting back to being able to talk to people, but when she went. Gosh. It was like you all over again, though not as bad, he always loved you more. " Summer hit Seth over the head when she saw Ryan put his head in his hands.

"Well, yes Seth, but I'm just glad he had Chloe." Summer said. Ryan looked up then.

"I am still here you know." He said quietly, he sounded so vulnerable when he said those words.

"Sorry." Summer said. I could see how worried she was about him. I didn't know if it was the right time to ask a question, but I had to know.

"Who is Chloe?" I asked.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

**I felt the need to answer this question. God knows what Seth would end up blurting out.**

"**It's kinda complicated. She's Trey's daughter," I scanned her face; she seemed hurt just at the mention of his name. "She lives with me. Trey wanted her to have better than he did, wanted her to get into a good college and get a good job. HE didn't even know about her until her Mum died 4 years ago. I looked after her sometimes when he was busy with work, Tamsin didn't really like it. She kept giving me all these brochures with childminders for teens. I told her where to stuff her ideas; I wasn't going to give up on my niece, even if Trey was her father." I paused and watched as they all exchanged glances. "Then when she got to high school age I paid for her to go to Harbour. She lived with me on weekdays. I would have offered to let her live with me all the time, but Tamsin drew the line there. When Tam left a year ago Trey asked if I could look after her permanently, he had a good job offer in Canada, a once in a life time opportunity. I didn't really have anything else and Kirsten said it would be good, something to help me take my mind of things. Turned out to be one of the greatest choices I've ever made."**

"**Woah, Ryan! I haven't heard you say that much since...forever!" Seth exclaimed at me. To be honest I didn't know how it all came out, it didn't seem forced either. It just came.**

"**Yeah, well." I felt my cheeks turning red. **

"**Awww, that's so sweet Atwood's embrased!" Summer decided to join in the teasing.**

"**It might have been the greatest choice you made, but she's a pain in the ass sometimes. I hope this one doesn't do some of that stuff when it's 16." Seth said as he put his arm around Summer and patter her stomach.**

"**She's not, she's great!" Summer said in Chloe's defence. "I mean sometimes she does things that get you worried Ryan..."**

"**Like the time she stayed out all night and you had to go find her at the beach because she got so drunk she was talking to the sand! And when she tried to kiss you and called you cute after she'd come back from a party and..." Seth got interrupted by Summer.**

"**Shut up, Cohen. But she always feels guilty after. She loves you."**

"**So Chloe's a teenager?" Marissa asked.**

"**Yeah, same age we all were when the Core Four was formed." Seth answered; he really needed to learn how to shut up. I love my brother, but he was annoying at times.**

"**How do you do the whole...girly things?" Marissa seemed genuinely interested.**

"**I am his knight in shining...dress on that one, aren't I Atwood?" Summer seemed to be cheerful. Had they forgotten that tomorrow morning everything would be the same, we'd be back to her not knowing who she was? It was annoying me that they could just be happy like this.**

"**Yes you are." I replied vacantly.**

"**He's not great on the clothing front or with talking about boys. I like it, it makes me feel young."**

"**You are young," I muttered to her under my breath. She didn't notice either that or she chose not to do react.**

**Ben walked into the room then; shining, smiley, happy Ben. Who'd come in everyday to the normal Marissa, as if nothing had ever happened. Whilst we had to deal with the pain of seeing her looking lost, of explaining her life to her. He gave her a peck on the cheek. She pulled him into an embrace.**

"**Your memory isn't that bad then?" He said to her, chuckling. I saw Seth get up out of his chair and before I could stop him he began shouting at Ben.**

"**YOU COME IN HERE EVERYDAY AND GET TO SPEND TIME WITH HER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE HER UPSET OR WORRIED OR SCARED OR LOST. YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND HER OF ANYTHING. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HURT BY THE FACT SHE CAN'T REMEMBER YOU. NO, WE GO THROUGH ALL THAT FOR YOU. WE SIT HERE AND TALK TO HER, HELP HER REMEMBER. THESE 3 WEEKS IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN RYAN UPSET SO MUCH SINCE SHE LEFT HIM 8 YEARS AGO. MY WIFE'S UPSET. HELL I'M UPSET. YOU LEFT US, HER CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO DO YOUR JOB. YOU LEFT THE GUY WHO SPENT 2 YEARS TRYING TO GET OVER HER TO DO YOUR JOB. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HIS FACE WHEN SHE LOOKS AT HIM BLANKLY. HE HAS TO RETELL ALL THE PAIN HE FELT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, WHILST YOU COME IN LATER AND HAVE A FINE AND DANDY TIME!" I had never seen Seth so angry, he hadn't done this before. **

"**Come on, calm down." I tried leading him out, but he just pushed me away.**

"**HE'S MY BROTHER! I HAVE TO WATCH HIM HURT HIMSELF OVER AND OVER AND FOR WHAT? SO YOU CAN COME AND SEE YOUR FIANCEE JUST AS SHE ALWAYS HAS BEEN? YOU'RE DISGUSTING! RYAN LOVES HER MORE THAN YOU DO AND HE HASN'T SEEN HER FOR 8 YEARS! LAST TIME HE SAW HER SHE BROKE HIS HEART, BUT HE'S THE ONE WHO HAS TO SIT HERE GETTING HURT!"**

"**Calm down, please." I was begging him now.**

"**Ryan," he was quieter, but he didn't stop. "Why don't you say something?"**

"**Because it's not for me to say."**

"**If it's not for you to say, then why are you even here at her bedside every day?"**

"**Seth, we're going!" I wasn't begging anymore, my words came out like an order.**

"**Ben, you don't deserve her. If she ever gets her memory back long enough to think things through properly, she'll see who really loves her. It's not going to be you. Marissa, we'll be here tomorrow, though by then you'll have forgotten who we are and when you remember he'll be here enjoying your company without having to do anything for it." Seth stormed off and Summer quickly followed.**

"**I'm sorry, he's just...really tired." I said.**

"**It's ok," Ben replied.**

"**I wasn't apologizing to you," I said bitterly, almost spitting the words out of my mouth. "He might not have said it in the best way, but what he said was true." With that I walked out of the door, in pursuit of Seth and Summer.**


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**We all went back the next day, just as Seth had said we would. I braced myself for the pain I'd feel as I told her about herself once more as I sat down beside her. She was still asleep, her wavy chestnut hair cascading down her back. She looked so beautiful, even more beautiful than she had done 8 years ago. Her eyelids hid the same aquamarine jewels they always had done, her lips still beautifully puffy, it was tempting to lean in and kiss them. I settled for holding her hand, trying desperately not to think about what could have been if she hadn't left for Greece that night. But that didn't matter. She had broken my heart and no matter how much I still loved her I could never risk being hurt again. I had tried with Tamsin and failed. I didn't know what would happen if Marissa broke my heart again. I would be nothing.**

**I sat there just staring at her; she was perfect in every single way. Seth and Summer sat next to me in silence. They knew I wouldn't talk right now. After half an hour or so her eyelids began to flutter has she woke up. I let go of her hand, allowing her to rub her eyes, but as soon as she had finished and let it hang by her side it was again in my gentle grasp. I stared into her eyes. They didn't seem empty like they had been on all the other mornings. She didn't look lost.**

"**You came back," she whispered. I let go of her hand in shock. Had she remembered? "Hi Sum," she spoke louder this time. Summer began to weep as she almost jumped on top of her friend, embracing her.**

"**You remembered!!! Coop!" Summer was ecstatic.**

"**Look's like the Core Four is back on!" Seth seemed just as excited. I was less optimistic. She had Ben now; I didn't want to ruin that for her. I had Chloe, I had a life, and I didn't want her to ruin that for me. And no matter how naive I attempted to be I couldn't imagine being around her and something not happening. I got up trying to hide the worry on my face.**

"**I'll call Ben," I said, this time a new emotion came to me; I tried to hide it again. I didn't do very well, they all looked at me. Seth and Summer looked sorry, I knew there 'Damn, we forgot that' faces and those were the faces they were displaying now. Marissa looked at me, guilt plaguing her face.**

"**I can do that," Seth offered, trying to fix the situation.**

"**It's fine. Summer do you have his number?" **

"**Yeah, it's in my jacket pocket." She looked guilty now. They'd forgotten all about me in their excitement, I wasn't angry or annoyed at them. I fully understood. **

**After retrieving the number I went outside the room and instead of dialling normally, I almost punched the numbers into my cell.**

"**Hi, is that Ben?" I asked when someone picked up.**

"**Yep, who's this please?" He answered**

"**It's Ryan Atwood, I called about Marissa," I could hear muffled exchanges down the phone; it sounded like someone was with him. I thought I could make out a 'Two secs baby' but I couldn't be sure.**

"**Is she ok?" He finally asked.**

"**Yeah, she's remembered. Remembered and retained, so she's back to normal."**

"**Really? That's great! Well, I would really love to come, but I'm in a...erm...meeting so I can't be there until a bit later, tell her I'm sorry. Thank You for phoning." He hung up on me then. I threw the phone at the wall; I wished I could have thrown him at the wall. How could he do that to her? If I was him I'd get to her no matter what. If I was in a meeting I'd cancel, I wouldn't even be in a 'meeting' like he was in if I was engaged. If the car broke down I'd run. But all that didn't matter I thought to myself. If I was engaged to Marissa Cooper I would never leave her bedside. Making sure I would be there as soon as she was better. But I wasn't engaged to Marissa Cooper, that jerk was. I kicked over the chair I'd just been sat on. I needed to get on the punch bag when I got home. I glanced through the glass window into the room where the other 3 were. They were staring at me, they all looked so worried.**

**I poked my head round the door.**

"**Ben can't get here he's in a...erm...meeting," I didn't want to make eye contact. "I have to go, Chloe wanted to check her homecoming outfit or something..." My words seemed to just fade away.**

"**Oh, damn it. I was meant to be doing that Ryan. I'll be two seconds," Summer said as she rushed to get her bag. **

"**It's ok," She wasn't listening. "Summer," She ignored me again. I walked in and put my hand on her shoulder. "Summer really its fine,"**

"**No it's not. Checking her outfit means trying on stuff with her! Ryan, I don't see you doing that. And she makes you watch The Notebook! I don't want you getting anymore..."She stopped in her tracks there, realising what she was about to say.**

"**Sum, not my definition of fun, I know. But your best friend's just remembered you...that sounded strange." I paused for a second. "Summer, you need to catch up." She still didn't put her bag down. "Summer, I can do work or something. I've got to go through the plans for the New York thing." She still wasn't moving. "Summer, I'm going to New York for a month in a few weeks; you'll be all Chloed out!" She smiled at me and began to put her bag down.**

"**One thing," She said.**

"**What?"**

"**Make sure she doesn't wear a red top."**

"**Ok, no red top. Got it. Why?" **

"**I'm wearing one." I looked at her blankly. "We're all going to her homecoming silly! She's social chair, she's arranged it all! And I've got you something to wear as well, something better than a wife beater!"**

"**Hold on, what?" I looked at Seth, questioning him with my stare if he knew anything about this.**

"**Ok, I knew. But I love you like a brother, brother, so I managed to make a deal with the lovely Summer." My glare turned angry, what had he done now? "Before you cut my head off, it's actually very good. We get to go home, sit around do whatever, as longs as..." Oh god. "You go on the Ferris wheel...with the blind date." He seemed to back away.**

"**With the what?"**

"**Look she's really nice, a friend from yogalates..."Summer quickly said.**

"**Oh great, does she know there's richer men out there?" How could they do this? Summer glared at me.**

"**Ryan, she's very nice, she's not like that. We were going to cancel, but now Marissa's fine I don't think anything could be better for you. It was Chloe's idea as well. You need to get out more."**

"**I do get out!" I said annoyed at what she had said.**

"**To work and our house!" She replied. I knew she was right, though I would never admit it to anyone but myself. I gave up. Nobody could win an argument with Summer Cohen. I didn't feel like arguing anyway.**

"**Ok, ok. But if you two," I looked at Seth, then back at Summer. "If you two try anything I will kill you!" **

"**ALRIGHTY!" Seth said triumphantly.**

"**We'll bring her with us when we come to pick you and Chloe up." I rolled my eyes, still finding it hard to believe that they had actually done this. I don't know why, they'd been doing things like this for years. **

"**Whatever, I'll see you all later. Bye." I walked out of the room and was half way down the corridor when I realised something. I'd been in a dreadful mood when I went in there, but just being with them had calmed me down. Hell, I was annoyed, verging on angry, but I wasn't kicking chairs over and throwing cell phones at walls. They had helped me...again. I loved my family.**

**And as I walked down the corridor and out into the parking lot and the California sun I said something to myself for the millionth time.**

'_**You're a lucky guy Ryan Atwood.'**_


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

As we arrived at the gates I felt like I was being transported into my past. I remembered peering through the wire fence at all the people on the other side after being kicked out of Harbor, I remembered Ryan getting kicked out and standing by my side; strong and dependable as always. It had been my fault. There were the stalls offering prizes that you wouldn't want for any other reason than to say you got it at homecoming. I think Summer still had one in her room that Seth had given her in senior year. The crowds of people, weaving in and out of each other, each one happy to be back with friends, but sad to see the summer behind them.

And there in the centre of everything stood the most memorable homecoming object. The Ferris wheel. My first kiss with Ryan. He looked so adorable when he was scared. I wondered if he was still scared of heights. I could see it in my mind, his eyes shut tight as I teased him. I glanced over to where he stood now, talking to his niece about something. He still looked amazing, like he always had done. His blonde hair carelessly arranged, some covering the corner of his beautiful blue eyes. Ryan never needed to talk much, his eyes spoke for him. No matter how hard he tried to hard it his emotions shone through his eyes. And as I looked at them now all I saw was pain.

"Coop, let's go get some disgustingly sugary and fattening drink." Summer beamed at me, I smiled back. It felt so good to remember. I could love them and I knew they loved me back. But we needed to talk about so many things. I might have remembered, but I still didn't belong. I'd been away for 8 years. I had missed my best friend's wedding, missed her running up to me with her pregnancy news, missed being there when she had a problem. I had missed a lot of things. I had missed her growing up.

"Sure," I said grabbing her arm and Ben's as she grabbed Seth's.

We sat down on a bench round the back of school, away from the crowds and noise. Seth and Summer joked around with each other, teasing and playing as Ben and I sat in silence, not even holding hands. We missed that in our relationship. Seth and Summer knew each other so well, they knew what would be pushing it, what wouldn't be counted as fun anymore. Ben and I didn't. Ben and I never did anything like that. Thinking then I couldn't think of anything we did apart from eat breakfast in the morning and have dinner at night before Ben went in to his study for the rest of the night. It was always work, I couldn't even remember the last time we had had sex. I was surprised he had even found the time to ask me to marry him, in his busy work schedule. Sometimes I'd wonder if it was just work, but I'd always tell myself to stop being silly, he was just busy, he loved me he would never do that. And as I thought about it a question came into my mind. If we really were meant to be, if it really was love, no matter how busy we were we would find time. Wouldn't we?

"So, where are you thinking of having the wedding?" Summer asked, pushing Seth away.

"We haven't really talked about it." I replied, we hadn't really talked about anything.

"There's nothing to talk about really. We're having it in London. It's where all my family and friends are." Ben said. I noticed that he had said 'my', did that mean that my wants didn't matter?

"But all my family are here, all my real friends are here. I always wanted a beach wedding or one in the little white church on the hill."

"But we live in London, the family lives in London." I gave up, I didn't want to argue. Summer looked at me then at Ben. She didn't seem to like him that much. "Hey, I'm going to get a corn dog anyone coming?" We all shook our heads and Ben made his way back to the fair.

"I think I'll go hunt out Ryan, make sure he hasn't knocked out some poor boy for looking at Chloe." Seth said, leaving just as Ben had.

"He's protective?" I hoped Summer understood my question.

"Yeah, it's just...he doesn't want her to get...hurt like..." Summer trailed off.

"Like he did?" Painful memories of his face at the airport flashed before my eyes. I pushed them out, I didn't need them.

"Yeah,"

"It's ok; I think I understand his logic."

"Ben's pretty aggressive, huh?"

"I suppose. It's just how he is."

"Look Coop, maybe I shouldn't say this. Maybe you're different to how you were 8 years ago. Well, Ben he doesn't seem to care about what you want. He doesn't seem to care about you." My eyes widen, accusingly. "Hear me out. When you were in hospital, he was never there apart from an hour before you went to sleep. It wasn't like he had work, so all I'm saying is what was he doing? He doesn't know anyone around here."

"You think he's cheating?" Maybe I wasn't the only one who was noticing something. And if Summer had noticed it within a few weeks, it must have been bad.

"Coop, I'm sorry. I know I should be supportive, but I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt."

"It's ok. I had been kinda thinking the same thing for a while. But then he proposed and I thought maybe...maybe it would be different. But he proposed 4 months before the crash and in those 4 months nothing changed. In fact it probably got worse. Maybe he thinks if we're engaged he doesn't have to try so hard to hold on to me." I was almost crying, but I had cryed over this so many times. I didn't think I had anymore tears to shed over the situation.

"I'm sorry Coop." Summer pulled me in tight. When we let go I suddenly remembered something from the hospital.

"Ryan said he was going to New York?" I didn't want it do sound like I was that interested. I was hoping it would seem like I was just trying to start conversation. Summer knew me too well for that, but she didn't say anything.

"Oh yeah, he's an architect." I remembered him saying something about always wanted to be one. "He's famous in the architect world. He got this big job designing this big new skyscraper. He's got to go out there for a month before they start building, making sure everyone knows what they're doing and then other people take over. I'm not that sure. All I know is he's being paid a hell of a lot. He's got enough money to retire now and live in luxury for the rest of his life. He's probably got enough for his next generation to live a life of luxury and never have to work. But it's Ryan and he never spends more than necessary. It took Sandy and Kirsten ages to persuade him that he didn't needed to pay them back for college fees and stuff."

"Wow."

"I know and I call him Chino!" We laughed at that. We kept talking for what seemed like hours, laughing and giggling. By the time Seth returned we were pretty much up to date on each other's lives.

"Hey Seth." Seth greeted Summer with a peck on the cheek. They were perfect together, in every way. I noticed Ryan stood behind Seth.

"Hey, so you go Chino on the Ferris wheel." Summer had noticed him too.

"Not quite in the way we planned." Seth answered as Ryan walked round to stand next to him.

"Elaborate."

"Well, Liz wasn't with him."

"But we made a deal. You weren't allowed out of the fair until he'd been one the Ferris wheel with her!"

"Turned out Liz had had a thing with one of the teachers. They rekindled their romance."

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry Ryan." Summer looked at Ryan.

"It's fine." Ryan honestly didn't seem bothered about.

"So does this mean we're off?" Seth looked like he couldn't wait to get out of here. It seemed like homecoming was one of the few childish things adult Seth did not enjoy. Seth was answered with Summer and I getting up from our seats and making our way down the field to the school parking lot.

"What about Ben?" Summer asked on the way down to the parking lot. I had forgotten about him completely.

"He'll find his own way back. Maybe he'll get a lift from the college girl he's probably making out with." I answered, it was strange. It didn't hurt me at all to say this. We continued walking in silence.

"Did you see Ryan?" Summer asked when we had almost reached the car, the boys somewhere behind. I was confused a little by her question. "He was wearing the top I got him. If I wasn't a married woman..." I laughed at her. "What? He looked so damn HOT!"

As she said this I couldn't help but agree with her in my mind.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"**Sorry I'm late. I had some social chair thing." Chloe said as she arrived in Sandy and Kirsten's dining room, she seemed out of breath.**

"**It's ok, we haven't started yet." Kirsten said, gesturing for Chloe to sit down. She sat down in the empty seat next to Marissa, smiling at us all apologetically. I couldn't decide which girl looked better. My niece with her dark brown hair pulled up in a neat ponytail, with her fringe just covering the corner of one of her emerald eyes or Marissa. Marissa looked stunning. Her golden brown hair was left to hang down her back; her eyes were so...so...just mesmerising. She was beautiful. I knew this person and I knew she wasn't just beautiful on the outside.**

"**So, how much fun did you have? I wish I could have experienced planning a Newport party. I'm so jealous they didn't let boys be social chair." Seth said, sarcastic as usual.**

"**You know if you really want to, you could do the baby shower when it arrives." Summer said teasing her husband. She referred to the unborn as baby as it because they didn't now 'its' gender. They wanted a surprise, though it really annoyed me at first. How the hell was I expected to paint the nursery if I didn't know what colour to use? **

"**It was alright." Chloe said, getting back to Seth's original question. "We're planning the Christmas ball so everything is kinda hectic. Oh, Ryan I can't make it on Wednesday, I've got a date." Chloe had a date. The little girl was growing up. Even though she was the same age I was when I started dating Marissa I felt slightly uncomfortable with her having a boyfriend.**

"**You have a date?" I asked, curious as to whom the boy was. It better be a boy I thought to myself.**

"**Yep. With Tom." **

"**Tom as in perfect Tom? Clever, sporty, kind Tom? Hot Tom?" Summer seemed to just be merging a whole loud of words into a simple question. Chloe nodded. "Well done girl!" Summer cheered, a huge grin appeared across both their faces.**

"**Wait, I've never heard of Tom."I said, interrupting the celebrations that were taking place between Summer and Chloe, it also seemed Kirsten was joining in.**

"**Girls only!" Kirsten said as she took a sip of wine.**

"**Right, so that's what you talk about when you're locked up in a room somewhere." I had never thought about the possibility that there were things Chloe didn't tell me. Though I wasn't too worried about this, I was quite glad I didn't have to deal with boys. I wasn't even worried that she wouldn't tell me something that did matter, if it was important I would know. She was a good girl.**

"**Hey, it's better than playing video games all day long!" Chloe said, making everyone apart from Ben laugh. Ben didn't seem to laugh much.**

**The maid came in with the food, I wasn't quite sure of her name. She was new. We thanked her and tucked in. It tasted good. We talked about routine things, work or school, the baby, what was in the news. When we finished we all went into the lounge, just fitting on the two sofas. Seth suggested playing something on the Wii, but everyone just groaned at him. I sat thinking about the past 2 weeks, ignoring the chatter going on around me. Marissa had recovered, Summer's bump had grown, Seth had spent most of his time thinking of baby names. Whenever he thought of one he had to make sure he thought of one he liked for the opposite sexr, wanting to make sure it didn't seem like he favoured either outcome of gender. Sandy and Kirsten were the happiest I'd seen them and Chloe...Chloe had a date! What did I have? I was never one for self pity, so what I write, I do not write pitying myself, I write it because it was how I felt. I could not pity myself when I had all I had. An amazing family, a great job, money-lots of money, but I was sad. I could not show I loved her. She was engaged, I couldn't ruin that for her. Even if she wasn't I would always be too scared to say anything, scared of being reject or of being hurt further along down the line. Every moment I had I thought about her, I couldn't help it. I wished I didn't. And every moment I knew that she might be gone soon; back to London, to her lovely life, soon to be married. **

"**So, when do you think you'll be leaving?" Sandy asked, expecting an answer from either Ben or Marissa. They were both silent as they looked at each other. I got out of my own thoughts, I needed to hear this. I need to know when I would be free again, free from the pain of seeing her.**

"**We haven't really..." Marissa began.**

"**Well, as soon as possible really. I want to..." Ben interrupted.**

"**Will you let her speak?" Summer interrupted him just like he had done before to Marissa. Summer was trying to stay calm; I knew exactly what she was thinking. No rage blackout. Ben looked toward Marissa.**

"**I was hoping to stay a little longer, I mean I've still got so much to do with my Mom and you guys." Marissa said.**

"**That's all well and good, but I do have work to get back to." Ben replied.**

"**Are you sure you mean work? Not a slutty secetary?" Marissa stood up as she said this, turning on the offensive. She went red with rage.**

"**What?" Ben was trying to look innocent. He saw it wasn't working as Marissa was still stood up. "Honey, can we talk about this later? Somewhere more...private?" **

"**Whatever Ben, I need to go. Sorry guys." With that she walked out, Ben followed after her. **

"**Just go away." I heard her say, before the slam of a car door and the sound of engine driving off down the driveway. We sat in silence for a few minutes then Ben came back in.**

"**Do you really cheat on her?" Seth asked accusingly. It seemed like he already knew the answer. **

"**What's the number for a taxi company?" Ben said, ignoring Seth's question.**

"**I'll answer your question if you answer mine." Seth walked up to Ben, they were face to face, staring into each other's eyes. Ben seemed genuinely scared, I had never seen anyone scared of Seth before. He was just too...loveable. If the situation had been different I think I would have laughed.**

"**The local company's leaflet is pinned up on the corkboard in the kitchen. The number's on it somewhere." I said, trying to douse the flames of the fiery situation that was starting up. Why had I helped that twat? I had no idea. **

"**Rya..." Seth looked at me shocked, I gave him my sideways glare, making him instantly silent.**

**Ben retreated into the kitchen and phoned for a taxi. He walked out the door without a goodbye. Not that any of us wanted one.**

"**Should I go after her?" Summer said, I pulled my head up from looking at the floor and looked at her. "Where do you think she'll be?"**

"**I don't know. Julie's?" Kirsten said. Sandy and Seth simultaneously gave her a 'seriously?' look. "Ok, maybe not. Hotel?" We all gave her the 'seriously?' look this time. "Right, he'd be there. What places did you guys hang out at?"**

"**I dunno. The Crab Shack, but it'll be closed." Seth said.**

"**Well we always used to hang around by the beach." Summer added. I knew where she'd be. I knew exactly where she'd be, where she always went in Newport when she was upset.**

"**Go to the lifeguard station. She'll be there." I said simply. **

"**How do you know?" Seth asked. Could he never just accept things, instead of having to know the why and the how?**

"**I just do. Summer go." Summer got up, grabbed her purse and car keys, walking out the same way Marissa and Ben had done previously.**


	11. Chapter 10

_This chapter is from Summer's point of view. I wanted to add some more...dimension to the story. (I like using ... :D)_

_xoxo_

Chapter 10

I wandered down the beach, my shoes off and my skirt blowing in the wind. The moon reflected on the still ocean in front of me, it was beautiful. I looked out toward the lifeguard station that Ryan had sent me to. I could see the silhouette of somebody leaning against it, looking out toward the ocean. Could it be Marissa? If it was how did Ryan know? I could never remember being here in my life, nor could I remember Coop mentioning it. I walked cautiously toward it.

"Hey," I said, leaving off my best friend's name, just in case it wasn't her. The figure turned around, I saw them properly for the first time.

"Hey, Sum," Marissa replied. How had Chino known? I decided to worry about that later, right know I had to comfort my best friend.

"You ok?"

"I'm...do you wanna sit down?" She gestured toward the wooden porch area of the lifeguard station. Old Summer wouldn't have stepped foot on that wood, it hadn't been disinfected! But this was present Summer, ex-activist Summer. Even old Summer might have done it for Marissa. We walked up the ramp and sat down, looking out into the ocean.

"I'm ok I guess. I don't know what came over me. I mean he hadn't done anything unusual, just said about work. I just..." Marissa was shaking, but not in tears.

"Snapped?" I said.

"I suppose so, yeah. He just really...gets to me. I can't believe I ever dated him, never mind got engaged."

"You want to break up?" I realised after I said this that I had been incredibly blunt, I hadn't meant to be.

"I'm confused. I can't cope with his cheating anymore. I don't hate Ben, I just don't...love him."

"Is there someone else you love?" Damn it Summer! I was being ridiculously blunt again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so blunt...twice." She gave a soft laugh.

"It's ok Sum."

"So is there..." I swallowed; did I really want to know this? I knew it could get complicated if it was what I thought it was. "Someone else?"

"I don't know. I love him...I think...no. I know I love Ryan. But it never works out. I don't want to get hurt again, neither does he. And I hurt him really bad when I left for Greece." She was crying now, she had no tears for Ben, but had many for Ryan.

"I know Hun." I said putting my hand on her shoulder.

"It's just so...complicated, I don't think anyone could understand. Not even me and him." she sniffed.

"Neither of you want to get hurt. Don't want to take the risk. But you love each other...more than anything or anyone else in the world. And that's the scary part, because the person you love more than anyone else can also hurt you more than anyone else. Before I said yes to Seth when he proposed a million things went through my head. And I realised, yeah we'd probably hurt each other. This is me and Seth after all." She laughed through tears and sniffs. "But if it is love, you'll never experience it again. Never. And love, it can hurt more than anything, but it's better at healing than anything else in the world. You have to give it a chance." Blimey, had I just made that up? That was quite an impressive speech, if I say so myself.

"Sum...I can't." She said, places her head in my chest.

"Not now...maybe later." I whispered, kissing her golden hair.

***************************************************************

_This part is from Chloe's point of view._

**The drive home seemed longer than usual; it was the first time I could remember driving in silence. If we weren't talking, which was more often than not with Ryan's personality, we had the radio on. I glanced at my uncle every now and again; his eyes were glued on the road straight ahead. He looked worried, worried about Marissa, worried about everyone. He could worry for America at times, Seth and him could do a double act, but all he was worrying about now. He had due reason to. When we got in I crumpled onto the sofa, I was so tired. Ryan joined me.**

"**So this Tom? According to Summer and Kirsten he's amazing." He said, I could tell he was trying to sound cool. I knew he was being protective though, maybe he thought I'd get annoyed if I knew he was, like he felt I didn't think he had the right to be protective over my boyfriend choices. But I wasn't annoyed and I did think he had the right. I loved Ryan; he was more like a big brother than the Dad he was replacing. **

"**You don't have to be protective or worried." He seemed surprised that I had picked up on him. "Come on Ryan I've know you for 3 years, I've been living you for 18 months." The surprised look went and he seemed ready to listen. "Tom is really nice. He reminds me of a mix of how I picture you and Seth as teenagers. He has your looks, both yours and Seth's brains and well Seth's kinda cute...geekiness. He isn't a water polo guy. He likes sailing, so if it gets serious Seth would like him, oui?" He nodded at me, a half smile on his lips. "Not that it's like love right now." He looked slightly relieved at this piece of information. **

"**So, have you dated him before?" He asked.**

"**Well not 'officially'. But we've hung out at party's and the last one we made out, it was pretty amaz..." **

"**Woah. I don't want to know about the details. Just as long as I know you're safe." Poor Ryan, he got embarrassed at the subject of my intimacy with boys.**

"**Ok," I laughed. "I'm perfectly safe with him, don't worry. Are you safe?"**

"**Pardon?"**

"**Well, after tonight. It didn't look like Marissa and Ben..." He cut me off.**

"**That's no of our business."**

"**It is when you're in love with her." He tried shushing me. "No you shush! I don't know why it has to be so difficult. You love her, I bet she loves you."**

"**It's difficult for lots reasons and I don't love her." I tried catching his eyes, but he had turned away to look out the window onto the valley below.**

"**Fine then, but saying you did love her, hypothetically of course, what would the problems be." He could see I wasn't going to give up, he rolled his eyes.**

"**For starters she's engaged."**

"**Hmph. That's really not..." He ignored me.**

"**Secondly, we're not teenagers anymore. We both have responsibilities."**

"**Oh, so I'm one of your difficulties."**

"**No you're not. Your only a difficulty when your being a pain in the ass stroppy teenager. Now I don't even know why I answered your question, it's none of your business. Just like Ben and Marissa's relationship is none of ours." He pulled himself up from the sofa and made his way upstairs. "Night." **

**I flicked through the telly channels, there was nothing on, so I went up to bed. As I passed his room I could have sworn I heard quite, soft sobs. But I couldn't have. Ryan never cried.**


	12. Chapter 11

_This is from Ben's point of view. I thought maybe it would be interesting to know a bit more about him, rather than just that he is a stupid cheating twat. :D_

_At first I was a bit sceptical about making Ben bad, it seemed in lots of films the Englishman is the baddy, plus I'm English. But I didn't we could have anymore nice guys; we already have the Core Four heroes. Tell me if you think it's a good idea making Ben be the fault in his and Marissa's relationship or if you think it would have been better making them split amicably. _

_Oh and I've spelt Mom the British way because Ben is British. :D_

Chapter 11

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!" I said as I woke up. How had I managed to get everything so wrong? I'd never cheated on a girl ever before; never. Why the hell did I have to cheat on the best girl; several times. I had a problem. Did they do therapy for this kinda shit?

There was a little piece of card beside me on the bed reading:

_These sheets are pure Egyptian cotton. They're perfect for the hot climate of Newport._

_Just another way we make your stay better than anywhere else you've been._

How the fuck did they know this hotel was better than any other? I picked up the car and ripped it up, throwing the pieces at the wall. They didn't reach it; they just fluttered slowly downward in front of me. Christ, I was taking my anger out of pieces of paper now? I lay down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Why had I cheated on her? I suppose it was exciting, really exciting. The thrill of trying not to get caught was so great sometimes I'd do it in a place it would be easier for someone to see, just for the thrill of it. I'd done it with my secretary, Lizzie, in mine and Marissa's bed ten minutes before she was meant to get home from work. I'd done it with Lizzie at a work party whilst everyone else, including Marissa and Lizzie's husband, were the room next door. I'd done it with my sister-in-law in my parent's house whilst everyone sat down stairs having Christmas lunch. I risked everything for thrills and sex. It was never anything more than sex. Marissa always seemed like she wanted a deep relationship, she preferred talking to making out or having sex. I was greedy, I couldn't settle for just a meaningful relationship. I had to go and have a casual one as well.

But was it only that? I mean was it that Marissa really preferred talking or was it because she preferred talking because it was me she was dating. With anyone else would she have done both? With Ryan would she have done both? Maybe that was another reason I played away. She had always loved this Ryan. She didn't want me as a replacement, she tried to feel something more than caring for me, but she never did. She never could feel about me the way she did about that guy. I found myself hoping someday I could meet someone who loved me as much as she did him. And now I had spent 5 weeks around the guy I realised I wanted to love somebody as much as he loved her.

At least she tried to feel more about me. What did I do? I didn't give it a chance. I think I'd already slept with someone else by our fifth date. I didn't feel guilty about any of this. That worried me. I didn't feel guilty about hurting her, about ruining our relationship. I just felt sad. I'd lost her. I always thought I'd have her, but now I had lost her.

I had become my Dad. The only problem was Marissa hadn't become my Mum...

"_Listen Frank, I've know about it since Ben was born." I could see tears streaming down my Mother's face through the banister._

"_I'm sorry." Dad walked toward her, trying to pull her into a hug. She just pushed him away. She walked away. I couldn't see her now from where I was sat. Dad was looking in the direction of where I knew the fire was, so I figured she had sat down._

"_Ben's tenth birthday, you had a meeting."_

"_Yes, it was...a time. But listen, it's never anything more than sex. I promise. I don't buy gifts or..." Sex? My Dad had been having sex with someone other than my Mum? Since before I was born? All for the fifteen years of my life? He had been having sex instead of going to my birthday. I felt unwanted._

"_Any normal man would now be begging for forgiveness, saying he'd stop, he'd never do it again."_

"_But that would be lying. Because I have to do it, it's like an addiction. I never want to lie to you again. I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

"_You said you'd known?"_

"_I didn't want to ruin it. I kept trying to convince myself it was just a phase you were going through, you'd get over it soon."_

"_But you knew."_

"_Yes."_

"_Do you think if...if I made sure I was at everything important, that I never spoke to you about it, you never heard about it. Do you think we could stay married?"_

"_I..."_

"_We've stayed married for the fifteen years you've known. Please, I love you. I need to know if you love me."_

"_I do."_

"_Then we can do this. We've been doing it for fifteen years! I think we've been doing pretty well, seeing has I had no idea you knew!" _

"_I'll do it...for the boys. But you have to be here; every birthday, every Christmas, every time." How had my Dad done that? He had completely changed her mind. He had cheated on her, countless times. I couldn't understand why the hell she let him. Why she was going to keep letting him._

But I understood now. She loved my Dad more than anything. Eleven years on they were still married. I knew Marissa would never do that for me. She didn't love me. I was sure that she'd do it for him if there ever came a time that she needed to. But I doubted it; he loved her way too much to ever hurt her. I could see it every time he looked at her. I hated him. I HATED HIM!

I sat up and pressed the redial on my phone.

"Hi, yeah, I was calling for a cab."

*********************************************************************

I wondered if she would have stayed there, she certainly wouldn't have gone to her Mum's. For a moment I contemplated telling the taxi to turn around and go back the way we came. But that thought was out of mind within seconds. I hated this guy; I was going to make him pay.

The sun had been up for a few hours and as we drove I watched the serious surfers heading home- as they'd been out since sunrise to catch the best waves- as the amateurs were arriving. This place really was beautiful. I could see why Riss liked it. Well, it seemed she loved it. She was always talking about home, the beach, the sea, the food. I was surprised she hadn't dragged me out here earlier. I was glad I hadn't come before, this place might be beautiful on first glance, but under the surface it had loads of problems. I hated this place. I just wanted to be home, sipping my coffee in my regular cafe in Trafalgar Square.

The cab left me at the end of the driveway; I took a deep breath then began walking toward the door. Before I reached it I suddenly thought of something. Ryan didn't live here. What if he wasn't here? It wasn't like they were going to tell me his address if he wasn't. I hesitated, then remembering some of the dinner conversation last night.

"_We always come over for breakfast on Saturday's; me, Cohen, Chino and Chloe. Sandy makes mean pancakes." Summer had said._

Would they have stuck to their usual schedule after last night? I wasn't sure, but I couldn't turn back now. I didn't bother knocking; I didn't think they would have let me in. I barged through the door and instantly ran to the kitchen. They were all sat round the large table, eating in silence. They all looked up after hearing me come in.

"Ben?" Kirsten said. She and Ryan were the only ones whose faces hadn't turned to anger at the sight of me, they just looked worried. After an original look of anger Marissa's expression changed to one of hurt.

"Atwood, outside now." I barked.

"Look we don't want a fight," Sandy cut in.

"Atwood, outside, NOW!" I barked again.

"I'm not fighting anybody." Ryan replied calmly. I walked over to him and grabbed his collar. I pushed his chair over, he lay on the floor. I kicked him. He still didn't respond. I picked him back up by his collar and dragged him outside into the garden. I punched him in the stomach as hard as I could. He keeled over but still didn't retaliate. What was wrong with this guy?

"Stop it!" I heard the shouts of the people behind me.

"Ryan why aren't you hitting back?" That had to have been Seth.

I punched him over and over. He fell to floor and I kicked him repeatedly. Someone grabbed hold of me but I just shrugged them off. I stepped back from Ryan.

"Get up." He didn't move. "Get up you worthless piece of Chino shit!" He still didn't move. "Just cause your rich doesn't make you good." Still no movement. "All these people here; the people you love." I gestured toward the family behind me. "They're not your family. You don't have a family Chino." I was in the pool before I could blink. Somehow he had managed to get up and haul me over, in one swift movement.

When I surfaced I could see the limp figure that was Ryan collapse. Everyone gathered round him.

"Ryan, are you ok?"

"Can you hear us?"

"How the hell did you manage that? Ben hasn't even got a scratch on. I mean, I now when you got here Mom and Dad so no more fights. But dude that was ten years ago!!! You should have hit him. You could have crushed that..."

"Seth, SHUT UP!"

I got out of the pool. I saw now for the first time the full extend to what I had done. Ryan was laid on the floor his shirt had come undone, his jeans ripped. His arms were cut and red; I knew they'd bruise soon. I could barely tell it was Ryan when I looked at his face. It was bloodied and swollen. They were all knelt down by his side. Seth ran up to me. His eyes blazing, he looked even worse than he had done the day he had shouted at me in the hospital.

"What the hell is wrong with you???!!!" He said pushing me. I heard a cough escape Ryan's lips. Seth turned his head. Then he leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "I'm going to see my brother. You're lucky he was too decent to fight back. He would have annihilated you." He walked away toward Ryan. He and Sandy tried supporting him, but there was no way Ryan could walk.

"I'll call an ambulance." Kirsten said.

"No. I haven't broken anything." Ryan sounded so weak. I felt a pang of guilt hit me for the first time in a long time. I hadn't just hurt him, I'd hurt his whole family, I'd hurt everyone who depended on him being the strong hero; the person who was always there. I hadn't been her long, but I knew that Ryan was part of the glue that held this family together.

"Ryan, we need to get you..."

"Get Dr. Roberts." He reached out his arms toward Seth and Sandy as he said this. They grabbed them and helped him up. Ryan screamed in agony, but carried on trying to walk. I couldn't bear it. This strong man reduced to nothing; all because of me and my stupid hot headedness.

It took them a long time to get him into the downstairs bathroom. I had followed them, not really making any decision to do so. My legs just seemed to take me.

"I'll help him wash." Seth said and everyone left the room. I just stood there staring down at my feet. Summer walked off to make a phone call.

"Dad, you need to..." Her voice disappeared as she entered another room. Why did her father need to come I wondered.

"Get out of my house, NOW! If I ever see you again I won't be responsible for what I do!!!" Sandy bellowed. I looked at Marissa, wanting to see how she felt. She stared at me.

"Get out." She said, tears welling in her eyes.

And I left.


	13. Chapter 12

_This is back to Ryan's point of view._

Chapter 12

**Seth helped me shower, then he and Sandy took me to the sofa. I lay down; my head resting on the pillows Sandy had brought down when I was in the shower. They were all talking to each other, too fast for me to focus properly; I couldn't tell what they were saying. Then Summer knelt by the sofa and clutched my hand. I could barely see her through my swollen eyes.**

"**My Dad's coming, he'll be here soon." Seth arrived by her side.**

"**Ryan, why won't you let us take you to a hospital? You could be hurt internally." Seth's eyes looked into the slits that were now mine when he said this. I didn't know why I didn't want to go to hospital. I never liked hospitals, but I wasn't scared of them. I suppose I didn't want to cause any more trouble.**

"**I'll be fine. Trust me." I said my words barely loud enough to hear. They all sat on the other sofa or pulled up chairs from the kitchen. **

"**Ryan, honey," Tears streamed down Kirsten's face. I felt so bad, even though I knew I had done nothing wrong. I just wanted to get up and hug her. Sandy had his arm around her, she would be fine. **

"**Don't cry," My voice seemed no more than a whisper. **

"**In here?" Dr. Roberts came in, closely followed by Summer. I hadn't noticed that she had gone. "Seth, I need to see him." Seth let go of my hand at Neil's request got up and stood beside Summer and Marissa. I knew Marissa was feeling guilty, I didn't want here to.**

"**Marissa, it's not your fault..." **

"**Ryan, you need to stay still. Don't talk." Dr. Roberts said as his hands touched my legs, checking for breaks. He moved onto my arms and when sure nothing was broken he moved onto my chest. "Now, Ryan, I'm going to put pressure on parts of your chest and it's going to hurt. I need to see if anything is damaged inside. I can't be sure without actually getting you scanned, but it'll be close enough." I nodded. He applied pressure, it hurt so much. I wanted to scream out, tell him to stop, but I couldn't hurt my family anymore. I clenched my jaw and dealt with the pain, like I always had done. **

**Neil spent 15 minutes looking at my chest, when he was satisfied he stood up.**

"**You're lucky Ryan, it might not look pretty, but it's nothing that won't heal. You need to rest. Don't try moving about, I know you and I know all you want is to put your family out of their misery. You'll do that quicker if you rest up, instead of trying to be brave. Stay here for a few days, get someone to go home and get you what you need." Neil, looked at me, sympathy I his eyes. I noticed the same look in everyone's eyes. Kirsten's, Sandy's, Seth's, Summer's, Marissa's. I suddenly realised why.**

"**I can't go to New York, can I?" That was more painful than any amount of kicking. I'd been working on the New York building for two years.**

"**It's in 2 weeks?" Neil asked.**

"**Yes,"**

"**Doubtful, though not impossible, nothing's impossible as far as your concerned. But no trying to pretend you're better. Rest is the only way you'll get to New York."**

"**Ok," I knew he was trying to make me feel better, realistically I knew there was no chance. **

"**Well, goodbye." Neil turned to the rest of the people gathered in the room.**

"**Won't you stay for some coffee?" Sandy offered.**

"**I've got to get back to the surgery. That reminds me, Marissa. I don't expect you to think about it now, but if you do decide to stay in Newport there's an opening at the surgery."**

"**Thank you," Were the only words Marissa could manage to say. **

"**Goodbye," Neil said as he made his way out.**

***************************************************************

**I could walk properly within a day or two and my face had gone back to its normal size, though very bruised. It still hurt when I swallowed, but I didn't say anything. I didn't want to make anyone more anxious. I went home 5 days after it happened and spent most of my first day staring at all my skyscraper plans. I would get better in time, I thought to myself. I was about to sit down to watch TV when the door bell rang.**

"**Hey, so we're having a guys night...but I brought along some chicks as well. Sorry. But there are plenty of ninja games and not a chick flick insight, unless you count Chloe's." Seth had let himself in, Summer and Marissa followed behind. **

"**Hey, I'll start making nachos then."**

"**You know me too well." Seth licked his lips, I rolled my eyes at him.**

"**Where's Chloe?" Summer asked leaning against the kitchen counter.**

"**Oh, she's on her date with the fabulous, amazing, wonderful, gorgeous, hot, fine, lovely, perfect, Tom. I think that's all the adjectives she used." **

"**We'll have to phone her later, see how it's going!" Seth beamed. Summer threw a spoon at him.**

"**Cohen, you're such a geek! You can't just phone her up in the middle of her first date!" **

"**Why not?" Seth genuinely thought it was a good idea, that in its self made me laugh.**

"**Because you can't! Especially not if your here annoying geeky uncle! Not even girlfriends can call her!"**

"**Wow, I didn't know Chloe was bisexual!"**

"**SHUT UP COHEN!" Marissa and I burst out laughing; these two were so perfect for each other. "You are banned from being sarcastic when the baby's born!"**

"**Woman, why?"**

"**I don't want it being as annoying as you!"**

"**Yes, but I'm lovable and annoying," Seth grinned, Summer raised another spoon.**

"**One more word!" **

"**Guys calm it. No more spoon throwing!" I said through my laughing fit. "Seth, go set up the console." I laughed at way I spoke to him like a little child.**

"**If my child is a freak I will pound the living daylights out of Cohen!"**

"**Don't they say you should love your child not matter what?" I replied, my afterthought was that it was one comment to far.**

"**Chino, I swear to god."**

"**It's Moses dear, Moses or Abraham!" Seth called from the living room. Summer marched into the room.**

"**Cohen if you don't learn to shut your mouth soon!" I heard her shout.**

"**Well the nachos are done so we better go stop murder." I said to Marissa. I was glad she had finally stopped trying to apologize for what had happened. I knew she still felt slightly guilty, but she had now accepted that I didn't blame her for anything. **

"**I think we're going to be in for a long night." She laughed as we joined the other two.**

**It felt good having the Core Four back together, but I was weary that it wouldn't be long before something else happened.**


	14. Chapter 13

_Again Ryan's point of view._

_So this is making out that Ryan hasn't seen or heard from Dawn since she left after casino night._

Chapter 13

**It was Saturday and we were all sat out in the yard, celebrating the official return of Marissa Cooper to Newport. She had taken up Dr. Robert's offer and would start work on Monday. Whilst still searching for a apartment she was staying with Seth and Summer. How we had all ended up in my yard celebrating I had no idea, I wasn't sure I really wanted to be celebrating. Sure things were good now, but in the future? I was less optimistic, something always happened. I'd be stupid and open my mouth, tell her how I felt. I'd either get rejected straight away or one of us would get hurt later on. And though things were good I found it increasingly painful to be just friends with Marissa. She was the only person I had ever loved, fully and unconditionally. **

"**So, Coop, apartment hunting on the cards tomorrow?" Summer asked, sipping on lemonade, she'd given up alcohol as soon as her and Seth started trying for a baby.**

"**Sure," Marissa replied, she was sipping on white wine.**

"**How are things with Tom?" Summer turned her head to Chloe this time.**

"**They're super according to Ryan," Seth butted in.**

"**Huh?" Summer looked confused.**

"**They...fell through the door, so eager to get in, unfortunately Ryan was still awake." **

"**Shit, you were awake?" Seth laughed at Chloe's horror.**

"**Language," I said firmly.**

"**Whatever, why didn't you like stop me?"**

"**You went up to your room, so it really wasn't affecting me and I know you're not dumb enough to do anything...dumb. Plus I'm not Seth." Everybody laughed at my comment, apart from Seth, all too ready to hand out the jokes, not too willing to have them poured on him.**

"**God, if you have a girl she is going to have a hard life as a teenager." Marissa teased. That was true, Seth wouldn't be that over protective, but he would defiantly be incredibly nosey. Just then someone called out my name. **

"**We're in the yard, come through." I recognised the voice, but I couldn't quite place who it belonged to.**

"**Hi honey." I turned in the direction of the voice.**

"**Dawn?" I stood up, not quite believing what my eyes saw.**

"**I wanted to...talk." I just glared at her; she hadn't even tried to contact me in 10 years. 10 years! "It took me a while to get of the...alcohol. I've been sober for a year now, I didn't want to come when there was still a chance I could ruin things again."**

"**Talk about what?" **

"**Trey emails me occasionally. He sends photos sometimes as well. There usually of him, but last one he sent was of you and Chloe. It made me..."**

"**It took a photograph to make you remember you had a son?"**

"**Ryan it wasn't like that, baby, I swear. I thought about you all the time, the photo made me realise just how much I had missed. I want to know about you, I want to know the man my little boy has become. I want to know my granddaughter."**

"**You can't."**

"**Don't you think I've been punished enough? I feel guilty everyday about what I done to you and Trey, how bad a Mom I was. Because of that I wasn't allowed to watch my boys grow up, I'm not allowed to know who they are. Don't deny me being allowed to watch my granddaughter grow up."**

"**It's not up to me, it's up to Trey."**

"**You gave Trey a second chance, why can't you give me one?"**

"**I didn't give Trey a second chance. I stopped my niece having to experience what I did. I haven't done anything for Trey; I've done it for Chloe."**

"**Please, Ryan. I'll do everything. Everything I can." My phone rang then.**

"**Hello, sure, wait, tomorrow? No, tomorrow is fine. Yeah I'm ok now. I'll have all the plans. One person? Ok, I'm not really sure who I can ask on short notice. Thanks, bye." I smiled, forgetting all about the stupid woman stood in front of me. I'd just had great news.**

"**Who was that?" Seth asked.**

"**My company." I replied.**

"**Yes...?"**

"**I'm going to New York," Kirsten shot up from her chair and squeezed me so tight I could barely breathe. "The flight's tomorrow so..." I looked toward Summer.**

"**I'm ready to be Chloefide." She smiled. **

"**Should I go pack my stuff?" Chloe asked.**

"**Yeah, I'll leave you a key, which is not to be used as a way of getting alone time with Tom, only to be used if you've forgotten something!"**

"**Okay," Chloe bounded off upstairs, I knew she was looking forward to whole month with Summer, they were like two peas in a pod. In all the excitement I had forgotten Dawn standing in front of me.**

"**I got a big job. I have to go to New York for a month; I wasn't going to go because I got...beaten up. But now I'm going." **

"**Well done. I'll see you in a month maybe." She walked out of the garden and I couldn't help feeling that it may have been the last time I saw my biological Mom.**

"**You better pack as well, I'll help!" Summer beamed at me.**

"**You can pack clothes," She gave me a huge hug and ran into the house. I sat down, trying to take in the fact that Dawn had come. Had she really changed?**

"**So, your Mom?" Marissa said, I was glad someone hadn't forgotten in all the excitement.**

"**Yeah." Was all I could say, it wasn't really an answer to her question, but then I wasn't even sure what question she was answering.**

"**I can't believe she just appeared." Seth said. I just nodded. "You think you want to see her?"**

"**I dunno."**

"**Well don't worry about that now; you've got New York to think about, right?" Marissa smiled at me as she said this, something in her smile always made me feel everything was going to be ok, even if I knew it wasn't.**

"**Yeah."**


	15. Chapter 14

_Marissa's point of view._

Chapter 14

We all went to the airport to welcome him home. A month I suppose isn't a long time, but it felt like forever without him. I knew I shouldn't feel anything for him, I had to get over it, he'd gotten over me right? I thought about what Summer said, about taking risks. I realised I did love Ryan more than anything else in the world, maybe she was right and he loved me back. But the words kept going round in my head

_The person you love more than anyone else can also hurt you more than anyone else._

I already knew how that felt, having your heart ripped out and thrown into little pieces on the floor. What made it worse was that it was my choice to do that to myself and Ryan. He had done nothing wrong. I was the culprit and I knew him still loving me wasn't the same as him willing to give me another chance.

Chloe, Summer and Kirsten starting jumping up and down, obviously trying to attract his attention. He strolled over.

"Hey, you didn't need to come to the airport guys." He said with a huge grin on his face. He was obviously happy that we had come.

"Course we did," We all seemed to shout in unison. Soon he was being attacked with hugs from all sides. When we had all got a hug we stepped out into the parking lot.

"I'll go fetch the car," Sandy said running off.

"I better get mine too," Seth ran off in the opposite direction.

"You're looking big Summer," Ryan observed.

"Chino!" She didn't seem genuinely offended by his remark.

"You're pregnant; I'm allowed to say that right? When are you due again?"

"3 weeks, and if any of you aren't there I will personally kill you!"

"Ok, but me and Seth can bring a games console?" Summer glared at him.

"Chino, you are not playing ninjas at my child's birth!"

"But labour takes hours right?" He looked at me, as I was the doctor.

"Depends," I shrugged.

"Chino, I'm expecting you to be the sensible one. Cohen's the one that acts like a kid!"

"Ok,"

"Ryan, could you let me squeeze your hand? If it gets too much for Seth, because I know he's not very..." She seemed genuinely worried, about both breaking Seth's hand and not having one to hold.

"Don't worry," Ryan just said placing a hand on her shoulder as Seth and Sandy pulled up in the cars.

"All aboard," Seth shouted out the window. I bent down to pick up one of Ryan's bags, but he got there before I could. Our hands brushed, we raised our heads and our eyes met. I felt my heart jump; it was hard to keep my breathing steady.

"I can take this," He whispered and then he stood up.

*******************************************************

I just sat on the bed in the guest room, my eyes staring at the wall in front of me. There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," I called.

"Hey,"

"Ryan, what are you...?"

"I came to check you were alright, you took that call and no one's seen you since." He sat down next to me.

"I..."

"Ben called, saying he was sorry?"

"How did you...?" I was crying now, I couldn't help it. I didn't want Ryan to see me cry, not over a jerk like Ben. I was glad Ben was gone; to be honest I wasn't sure why I was crying. Maybe it was because the one person I wanted was sat right next to me, being just a friend.

"Tamsin did exactly the same."

"Oh,"

"Look, if you love him..."

"I don't,"

"Well that's good, because he's a jerk. He's worse than a jerk."

"Thanks," Ryan was trying his best, but he wasn't really helping.

"Listen, I was never any good at talking and I'm still not. But I just...you deserve better than him."

"Are you better than him?"

"I...you deserve better than me. Seriously I'm fucked up." I looked up at him; his eyes looked the same as they had done that night in the model home. The night he told me we were from different worlds. "I...I'm scared. And when I'm scared I do dumb stuff. I'd end up hurting you or both of us...and I can't go through that again." He looked down at the floor. I realised that all the time he had been going through exactly the same thing as me.

"But you have to take a risk...true love doesn't come along every day." I said it even though I knew that nothing I said could change his mind, it hurt so much to hear him say this, it hurt more than it had done in the model home.

"Marissa, I...I can't. I know I'm hurting you know, and hurting you is the last thing I want to do. But it's better than destroying you further along the line." He cried. I had never seen Ryan cry like this before. He didn't sob out loud like a girl, he didn't sniff, he just let the tears roll down his cheeks. It hurt him just as much to say this as it hurt me to hear it.

"I lov..." He cut me off, pressing a finger against my lips.

"You can't."

"I do though I..."

"Marissa, please don't say it."

"I love you Ryan Atwood." Tears rolled down my cheeks, I stared into his blue eyes.

"Marissa, I have to go." He got up and left, he didn't look back as he closed the door. Was Ryan Atwood leaving my life for good?


	16. Chapter 15

_Hi, so I'm not totally sure how I just end this. Happy or tragic? Tell me what you think, though I'm not going to tell you my final decision until I actually right it down because I change my mind...a lot :D_

_I'm not totally happy with the chapter, I tried hard to get Seth, but I found it difficult. I tried to get some of his light heartedness in there, but I wasn't totally sure if he'd still have it in such a bad situation, but anyhow. Hope you enjoy._

_Oh and I kinda hope you've realised why i used the quote:_

_True love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars._

_Please review :D_

_xoxo_

_This is from Seth's point of view, as he hasn't had a turn yet._

Chapter 15

"It is now compulsory for one member of each family to join the army, as the war in Afghanistan intensifies." The TV blared out in the Cohen living room. "The army will be setting up temporary registration points in each town, one member from each family must report to one of these registration points by Monday. They must be under 35." Everybody had been putting off thinking about the news since it was first announced last autumn, but now that the deadline for California was in a week's time we they had to start.

"We all know I'm the only viable option." Ryan said, cutting the silence.

"What? No, we have to think about this." I replied.

"Seth, it's out of you and me."

"What about the girls? Their under 35."

"Seth, I can't believe you even thought about that."

"What, we're no worse than men!" Summer said indignantly, whilst Marissa stayed silent, biting her lip.

"No, you're not. But Summer your pregnant; there is no way you're going. The same goes for you Seth; you'll be a father soon."

"I know, but..." I knew he was right, but I didn't want to admit it.

"Seth, even if you weren't you're a lover not a fighter. Remember?" He used my own words against me. "You wouldn't get through the first day of training."

"There as to be another way, I might be able to find a loophole. Something to do with a criminal record...it's a long shot but..." Dad seemed in just as much denial as me.

"Sandy, leave it. Someone has to go and I'm the only one who has the slightest chance of coming out alive."

"But..." Ryan stopped Dad in his tracks.

"You all have people depending on you. Seth you have a wife and almost have a child. Sandy, Kirsten you have each other...and Seth. He's still just a child really. You have so much of your lives left to live."

"Ryan don't you ever talk like that!" Mom snapped at him.

"Like what?"

"Like you have nothing going for you!"

"Kirsten, I don't."

"Yes you do! You have Chloe to think about and you're only 26, you'll find someone someday! And talking about people depending on others, we all need you!"

"Chloe has you guys, she can cope without me. And I've already found someone," Marissa looked at him, it seemed like she was going to cry. I made a mental note to find out what that was all about.

"Then you can't go!"

"It's not like that. We'll never work."

"Ryan, none of us have to go. I heard about people in the rougher areas, you pay them, forge some documents and they pretend to be part of your family." Dad said, Ryan looked outraged at his proposal.

"I am not lying, to anyone." Ryan breathed heavily. "Please accept it. You all know it's true, so just accept it. Then we can be happy for the next few days, maybe our last days together. Please."

"Ryan," Mom just ran to him and gave me a big hug, every woman in the room was crying, including 'I never cry' Chloe. Even I was crying, which actually isn't that amazing, but I was. I saw Dad even have a bit of a sniffle trying to hold tears back.

"I'll go register." Ryan got up.

"Ryan do you have to do it now?" Mom asked through tears.

"I better get it out of the way."

"I'll come with you." I got up too.

"No funny business," He gave me his sideways look, I had to learn how to do that. Then thoughts rushed my mind. What if nobody else learnt how to do that? Then it would be like lost when he died. No he wouldn't die I thought to myself. This was Ryan, real-life hero.

"Scout's promise," I said saluting.

"You were never a scout," Ryan said as he walked out the door.

"It's the thought that counts," I called after him.

We got in the car, he drove.

"So the girl you 'found'...?" I asked.

"Seth, you know who it is so just get to the point." He replied, his eyes not turning from the road, he never looked at me when he wanted to hide his emotions. He knew his eyes gave him away.

"Ok, what happened with you and Marissa? I mean a couple of nights ago you were friends, and now you're like...not."

"She told me she loved me."

"That's good right?"

"I don't know, I just said I couldn't do it, that I couldn't be with her."

"Well you love her?"

"I do, but..."

"What buts? You love each other!"

"But what if I get hurt again I mean...I was a mess when she left, I don't want to be like that again."

"I hate to break it to you mate, but you already are a mess. As soon as Ben went and there was the slightest possibility that maybe you and Marissa would...I dunno fulfil your destiny of being together, you've just shied away into the corner, scared of getting close to her."

"Cause I know I'll get hurt again."

"Ryan, true love only happens once."

"True love?"

"Ryan, you and Marissa...you're meant to be! I think you've made the biggest mistake of your life, letting her go like that!"

"Seth, it doesn't matter now. I'm going away; I'll probably never come back."

"Don't say that," I didn't want to hear it, even though I knew it was true. He was my brother, my best friend, the guy who got me through life, the one I told about everything; he couldn't just not come back, he couldn't die.

"Seth, it's true, it scares the hell out of me too, not knowing if I'll ever see you guys again." It must be bad, Ryan had never admitted to being scared of anything apart from heights. "I love you all, I really do."

"Before you go, promise me you'll tell her you love her." He fell silent, his eyes fixed on the road. "Ryan, it might be your last..."

"I know. Everything I do might be my last time, my last chance. You think I haven't thought about that. It's better if I don't tell her, then she won't find it so hard to get over me."

"Ryan, that's stupid."

"You know it isn't." He was right, he made sense, he was always right. He could never go; I wouldn't be able to cope without him. He was right, I was still just a little kid and he was my protector. For once I didn't say anything, I didn't interrupt his brooding, I might not be able to experience it after he left and I wasn't going to waste any of it. The truth was that no matter how much I complained about his brooding, about the fact he had so many barriers up, that he never trusted people, he never talked about his feelings; I loved everything about him. He was the best person I had ever met, the most complicated, the strangest, but definitely the best.

We arrived at the registration point, Ryan insisted I didn't get out, he actually locked me in he was so afraid I'd sign my name up to stop him going. As I watched him queuing up to register, as I watched him sign the paper, I couldn't help feeling I was watching my brother sign away his life. And with it part of my existence.


	17. Chapter 16

_From Kirsten' point of view._

Chapter 16

Ryan sent his letters so they arrived on Saturday mornings; he knew we'd all be together then. We'd take it in turns to read them out, swapping each week. Every since he left the place was quite, he might not have talked much, but he filled up the room in a way that it's impossible to describe. I missed him more than anything, I missed him more than I had missed him when he had gone back to Chino for the summer, I missed him more than when he went off to college, more than when he lived in New York for a while. I missed him more than the amount I missed each member of the family when I was in rehab, combined. I hated the feeling of waiting for the post, nervous that there would be a letter informing me I had lost my son, that I had lost a part of me. I filled with dread every time the doorbell rang, worried there would be an army officer waiting there. I missed my other son too. Seth hadn't been the same since Ryan had left, he wasn't as sarcastic, his eyes didn't sparkle and he went back to occasionally talking the Captain Oats- his only friend before Ryan came along. He wasn't even as happy to be a father as he would have been if Ryan was there to share his joy.

"So, are we ready?" I asked, it being my turn to read. I hadn't been able to read for the first few weeks, I just broke down halfway through, sometimes I still couldn't keep reading and Sandy would take over for me. Everyone around the table nodded; our little Saturday breakfast club. Marissa joined us now along with the new baby. "So he says..."

"Dear All, I don't really know what to say, apart from congratulations Seth and Summer. How much sleep have you been getting this past week, not a lot I guess! Josh, that's a good name, a guy here tells me it's kinda Jewish, so Nana would have been pleased! The picture you sent is amazing; I've got it in my helmet with all the others. He'll be a handsome boy I bet, unlike his father."

"Oi! You added that in Mom!" Seth exclaimed.

"I didn't it seems Ryan is actually happy and humorous upon hearing your news," It made a change, usually Ryan's letters, though never depressing, lacked spirit. He never talked about the war apart from the odd mention here and there, though nobody could really blame him.

"Back to the teasing then," Seth said, I hadn't realised that I had gone off into m own thoughts for so long.

"Ok, erm...here we are. I'm sorry I wasn't there Summer, turns out maybe you will have to kill me," If someone else doesn't get there first I thought. I continued. "I hope you didn't break Seth's hand, though I wouldn't be surprised. Are you bottle-feeding? If you are don't let Kirsten make up the mixture!" We all laughed, my cooking skills hadn't improved in the 10 years I'd know him though I probably was capable of mixing some powder into water...was it water? "A Christmukkah present? I'm not really sure. Just send me some photos of what you've been doing. There is a possibility of getting leave a couple weeks after Christmas, though no chance of any on Christmas day, that's reserved for officers. I hope your all well, don't worry about me. Love always, Ryan."

"Well...he seems happier." Summer said, breaking the silence that had followed Ryan's last words.

"He doesn't talk about him much, does he?" Seth continued.

"Would you do?" Marissa didn't speak much, she'd almost filled Ryan's place as the bottled up one. I was so worried about her.

"No. Do you think it's as bad as the news says?"

"Worse, the news covers things up, makes it seem BETTER than it is."

"But Ryan's strong, he'll get through." Marissa didn't reply to Seth, which made me even more worried. I knew that Ryan and Marissa were meant for each other, they always had been. Did she really think he wouldn't come home? Or was that the case and I was just being naive thinking he'd be back soon? I didn't know, I hoped not.

"There's a fundraiser tonight, for the troops. Everyone's going." Sandy hated fundraisers, he hated Newport parties, but these events that had sprung up after most of the young men had left; they were different. People cared. They weren't there to show off how much money they could spend on a dress or how little material had to be used to get it on their tiny frames; they were there to support the troops. They were there to support people like my son.

They were all in the same regiment, all of Newport. It helped in some ways. We could all talk about them to each other. What Ryan didn't say I was sure to find out from someone else's loved ones. The things I heard; frankly I didn't blame him for not talking about it. I just hoped he was doing it so that we didn't get hurt, not that it was because he was in denial and that he couldn't cope. I sometimes had nightmares about him. His blue eyes would just stare at me and when I looked into them I saw all the horrors he had seen. Innocent people being killed, schools being bombed with children inside, sometimes I'd see him in his eyes. He'd be sat crying, holding a gun in his arms, shouting over and over again for it to stop. I'd wake up in a sweat and Sandy would dash off for a cold flannel. Sandy was always there being strong, sometimes I'd catch him sat in the pool house crying, holding something of Ryan's that had been left from when before he left for college. I'd just sit on the bed beside him and cry with him.

It was the hardest thing I had ever done, living without Ryan.


	18. Chapter 17

_From Seth's point of view._

Chapter 17

I was sitting watching my Mom hold my son, whilst my wife and her best friend looked on. If someone had been looking in on us, someone who didn't know us, it would have been the perfect scene. The weeks old baby being held by his grandma. But I wasn't an outsider looking in, I was Seth Cohen and I knew everything. I knew that my brother was away at war, all because I was too weedy to be, because I was too weak. I had been weak in letting him go. I should have stopped him, forced him to let Dad help. I should have done anything. If Ryan didn't come home I could never forgive myself. The door bell rang, Dad got up to answer it. He came back a few minutes later, leading a man in army uniform, medals pinned to his chest.

"Please, sit down," Dad sat down, immediately putting his arm around Mom. She handed Josh to me and we all sat in silence. Marissa and Summer squeezing each other's hands

"Last week the Newport regiment was patrolling the streets of a small suburb of Kabul when they heard news that a bomb had been planted at a nearby school. They immediately rushed to the scene and began evacuating the children. Your son, Ryan, took control of everyone as their officer was recovering from a gun wound. They thought they had got everybody out, turns out there was another class down in the basement, Ryan went back in to get them." Mom wailed as she buried her head in Dad's chest. "The regiment were outside when the bomb went off, none were injured."

"What...what about Ryan?" I spluttered.

"Officially he is 'missing in action', though you should prepare yourselves for the worst." I stared at my son; I didn't want to look at the others. I didn't want to see my family being torn apart. Josh was the only who didn't understand. In his sleep he looked so peaceful, just like Ryan had. Had. The word stuck in my brain. I was talking about my brother in the past tense. But he was only missing, right? He wasn't definitely dead.

"He...might...still be...alive?" I said, through tears.

"There is a slim chance." I stared at the floor. I wasn't hearing this. "Mr Atwood left a letter in his belongings; it was addressed to all of you. He gave strict instructions that it would be read to you if he died...or went missing. Would you like to read it or...?"

"Could you?" Dad seemed to be the only one capable of speech even if it was just two words.

"Of course,

Dear All,

I don't know why I wrote this letter. I suppose I didn't want to say goodbye until I had to. And now I have to. I'm either dead or missing. I hope I'm dead, so you have closure, so you're not thinking I may still be alive somewhere. I'll put it bluntly, like I always have. The chances are I am not. I wrote this to say thank you to all of you, individually, to let you know just how much you mean. I don't think could ever show how much you really mean by writing it down, or by saying it aloud. Hopefully I'll be able to say more than usual, it is my last chance after all, but whatever I say I hope...I hope you know I love all of you.

Dad

Sandy you are the best man I know. The best man I have ever known. You didn't just save me from Chino, from my Mom. You saved me from myself. Without you I'd be sat here not caring if I was dead, I would be sat with nobody to write a letter to. Without you I would probably have been dead a long time ago. I'm forever grateful for the chance you gave me. I'm forever grateful that you let me love you like a father and that you loved me like a son. I'm sorry you never got the chance to teach me to ride the waves like you always wanted to. I'm sorry that I let you down on numerous occasions. I love you more than words describe. Look after Seth, give him the love you gave me, give him the love of two sons.

Mom

Kirsten. You hated me when I first came. Bad boy Chino, I was going to ruin your little boy. But you let me in and you trusted me...well you trusted Sandy's judgement. I'm glad you did. The same goes for you as did with Sandy. You saved me. We all know about Dawn, I called her Mom for the first 16 years of my life. I wish I could have another 16 more to call you by it. You are my Mom, you have been since the day I met you. You helped me with Marissa, with Tamsin, with Chloe. You helped me with Seth. You helped me with myself. I love you like a Mom, I love you more than a Mom. I always will be your son, no matter what people say.

Chloe

First, if you ever, ever get pregnant before you're married or engaged I'll come back and haunt you! That's a lie; I could never be ashamed of you. I could never be truly angry with you. It was an honour being able to help you start growing up, I'm only sad that I will miss seeing it happen. But I know everyone else will be more than nosey enough to fill in for me, especially Seth. Don't ever be afraid to make a choice and never take the easy one. Take the choice that is right for you. And if it isn't, if you make a mistake, try again. Never listen if someone puts you down. Never think 'would Ryan like this?' Because whatever you do I would like it and I would support it. You can never dream high enough, dreams don't cost anything. There is no limit, not even the sky. I love you munchkin.

Summer

The valley girl! I remember that night in the motel. I don't think I've ever heard so many ways to express the EW! Since then I've watched you grow into an amazing person. You are the best wife for Seth, the best best friend for Marissa and I am sure the best mother for Josh. You haven't finished growing yet; I wish I could be there to watch you. Even if it is just to hear the reaction to the first grey hair. EW! You are a best friend, a member of the Core Four, a terrific person. I love you as my sister.

Seth

I bet your crying! That's fine, I'm glad you are. You taught me a lot. How to play video games, how to survive in Newport, that plastic horses make great friends, that sailing is actually a sport. You taught me a hell of a lot in 10 years. The most important thing you've taught me isn't something that you've told me. You taught me that it is the brave man who lets down his barriers, risking getting hurt. That it is the brave man who shows his feelings, who shares them. You taught me that it's brave to trust people. You taught me that the biggest risk in life wasn't a dangerous act, you taught me that the biggest risk was to love, to trust. You taught me that you should always take that risk no matter what, because you will regret not doing it, you taught me that regret is worse than any pain you could ever feel. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have been able to love all the amazing people above. I wouldn't be who I am. You make me a man Seth Cohen. The Core Four will always be strong, as long as you are at its core. I love you.

Josh

I wish I could have met you. Don't ask awkward questions about me when you grow up. Don't be afraid of being like either of your parents, because they are both FANTASTIC! You have got the best genes in the world buddy! I love you even though I haven't met you, because you're my nephew, my family. Make everyone proud!

Marissa

I don't know how many times I've thought about this, thought about what to write. I didn't think I was going to put anything. I didn't want to make it harder for you to move on, to accept that I was gone. I didn't want you to think about what could have been. But the truth is I don't think I could bare being dead without you knowing how I felt. Without you knowing that I would like nothing more in the world than to grow old with you. I was afraid. It was stupid. I learnt something from having so much thinking time out here. When you told me you loved me and I left all I wanted to do was say I love you back. But all I could think about was if you hurt me, if you left...if you died. It would have been the end of me. I was scared of being hurt, of feeling pain. But the pain I've felt from love is nothing compared to the pain I felt from walking away from love. I've felt a lot of both, and pain beats regret everyday of the week. One more minute with you before I died would be better than living for eternity. I love you Marissa Cooper; with all my heart. I hope you can forgive me for hurting you, for throwing away everything. After you've forgiven me please move on, find someone out there who loves you as much as I do, even if you might never feel exactly the same. Being able to know you has been an honour, a pleasure and one hell of an experience. Loving you has been so much more. I wish we could be 18 again, I wish I had told you to stay. I wish I had done so many things differently. Don't think badly of me, I've done that for you. I hate myself for not risking it. I love you so much that it isn't healthy. Thank you for helping make me a man and not a boy. You are more than amazing. I love you.

I wish I was not writing this. I wish I was able to tell you in person that I loved you. I wish I could spend the next 50 years saying I love you every day. I do love you, more than anything, more than three words written down. None of you can stand in the shadows, grieving for too long, dwelling on could have been. Grieve me, remember me, live your life to the full. Don't waste it, because I didn't have the chance to waste it and I would hate it if this stupid war ruined anymore lives.

Forever yours and love always

Ryan."


	19. Chapter 18

_Summer_

Chapter 18

Never had a room been so quiet whilst Seth was in it. Sandy had shown the man out and we had sat without talking for literally a few hours. The only noises were sobs, mainly from me and Kirsten. Marissa's tears just fell down her cheeks, she didn't move. She was like a stone statue. Seth was almost identical. Marissa stood up suddenly and ran to the pool house. Nobody followed her, she needed to be alone. Chino, you stupid person; I kept thinking. Why couldn't he have told her when he was alive? I couldn't imagine a world without Ryan. Whenever I tried everything seemed dark. I didn't want to try. Ryan was only missing. He could still be alive. He could be; somewhere.

I got up slowly and sat next to Seth. He wrapped his arm around me. I made the decision there and then that we had to fight through it together. We couldn't let it pull us apart; we would talk about our feelings. Ryan would have wanted that.

*****************************************************************

We all stayed at Sandy and Kirsten's for the first few days. We were there when we heard news that the troops were coming home. There was going to be a big parade and some speeches. The only thought going round my head was that one troop, the one person we all wanted back more than anything, wouldn't be there.

"We should go," Sandy said, standing up, heading for the car. Seth nodded and followed his father. I went over to Riss, linking one arm and holding Josh with the other. We followed the boys out. We were in the car when Kirsten came out, bundling something into her handbag. It was one of Ryan's wife beaters.

We drove in silence. After a while I stopped looking out the window, everywhere I looked reminded me of him. Seeing the boats reminded me of the day we sailed to the beach after Trey woke up. Just seeing cars reminded me of driving down to Tijuana. A life guard station. I still didn't know how Ryan had known where Marissa would be that night. We parked by the pier. A stage had been erected; the speeches would be given there. The crowd had parted to make way for the soldiers; we had only just got there in time, as they were marching down the road. Everyone cheered apart from us. We huddled together. We all knew what the other was thinking. We were all wishing Ryan was marching.

When they had reached the stage they stood in a row in front as one got up to speak.

"My name's Luke Ward. Like all the lads, I would never have chosen to go to war; to fight. I don't know how to express how happy I am to be home, there were many times I thought I wouldn't get out of that place. Out there we weren't fighting a war on terror, we weren't fighting the Taliban. We were fighting for people's lives and people's rights. Innocent civilians who were being killed in a war that they didn't understand, that's what we were fighting against. A war that frankly, I don't think anyone could really understand. Why did we go to war? The government drummed a few reasons into when we were training. America was at threat, our families would be killed, they were breaching human rights, it couldn't go unpunished. But no matter how many reasons you give, there will never be one good enough. As I said we were fighting for people's freedom. I'm glad to be home, one member of our unit, our community isn't. He's 'missing in action' because he went back into a school building when we knew a bomb would set off anytime soon. He went back in to save children, he didn't think twice about it. He was a true hero. He was Ryan Atwood. Instead of celebrating our return, I would like you please, in a few minutes of silence, to mourn that he has not returned."

We were all silent, the whole crowd. All of Newport was silent. Nobody gossiped, nobody fought, nobody did anything. They were silent. For Ryan.


	20. Chapter 19

_Marissa_

Chapter 19

2 months. 2 months, 3 days, 6 hours and 32 minutes since I heard his letter. Since I had heard he loved me. Since I had heard I would probably never see him again. He had asked to forgive him. But I had nothing to forgive. I hope he didn't die thinking I was angry with him or that I was annoyed with him. I never was; never. When he had walked out of that room, I knew exactly why. I understood. I might have done the same if it was him who had approached me.

I don't know how many times I just lay in bed thinking about him, how many times I wished I could just hear him say what he wrote. I thought up scenarios in my head, how things could have turned out. I even thought of names for our children. Was I going mental? He had said he didn't want us to dwell on what could have been. But I couldn't help it. I went 8 years without him, now I had gone 2 months and I was barely surviving. Maybe it was like the song. What hurts the most is being so close. I was so close. If he hadn't gone to Afghanistan, maybe he would have come to those conclusions at home; maybe he could have said it to my face. That was the dream situation. I'd lean in and kiss him and we'd spend the rest of our lives together; growing old together like he had wanted to.

Chloe talked to me about him a lot. Asked me what he was like before he met her. I asked her one time why she asked me, not Summer or Seth. Her reply was,

"He didn't open up much, but if he opened up to anyone it would have been you."

It would have been me. He trusted me so much, not in the same way as most people, like Summer, but in his own way. I never gave me credit. It always seemed he didn't talk to me about him; he didn't say what he was feeling. But Chloe made me realised that talking to me compared to talking to anyone else he was like Seth. I would never find anyone like him. I could never find a 'replacement' nothing could replace Ryan. I didn't want to find a replacement. I didn't want to live my life to the full like he had said. I wanted to search for him, even if it just meant finding a body to bury. What he had said about us not having closure, he was right. I dreamed he would come back, in one piece alive. I hoped at the very least that they would find his body. So we could bury him, so we could mourn him properly.

I'd been sat in Sandy and Kirsten's living room when Summer came in. The house had almost become my home, I didn't want to see my Mom and I even though I barely slept at nights with thinking about him Summer insisted I wasn't woken up by Josh. Sometimes at weekends, on days off, I'd spend the whole day just sat in the pool house, looking at photos.

"Hey Coop," Summer said, sitting down beside me.

"Hey, where's Josh?" I asked, noticing the distinct lack of baby sick on her clothes.

"Sandy and Seth have him; beach, pier, the usual."

"I don't get why my Mom is doing it." Julie Cooper, Mom, had taken it upon herself to arrange a party for the whole of Newport, at the house I was sat in. She thought it would be a good way of getting us up and out, help us cope. I know she meant well, but she wasn't helping.

"You know she's trying to do what she thinks will make us better, which she thinks is what makes her feel better, which is a party."

"I know. Do you know why she's having it out front, instead of in the back like always?"

"No offence, cause she's your Mom, but it is Julie Cooper. I don't think anyone understands her or why she does things." Summer gave me a little smile. She had been strong for Seth, so brave. He was beginning to get better, making for sarcastic comments by the day. They had coped with it by being with each other. At one point I thought of going to the bottle, numb the pain. But Ryan would never have wanted that, I think he'd rather see me dead than an alcoholic again.

"I suppose we should get ready?"

"Okay," She followed me upstairs to get my dress then we went to her house to get ready.

************************************************

"Still no news?" How many times at people asked that? I just shook my head every time and walked off trying to find Seth or Summer to save me. It hurt saying no. No news, no Ryan, no happiness, no life. Mom had centred the party on the driveway, the bar, the buffet and the tables all had their place on it. Sandy and Kirsten had moved their cars onto the street and Mom had done a good job of making everything look 'pretty'

When I couldn't bare the questions anymore I walked down to the end of the driveway away from the noise, realising too late what I had done. I had gone back to where we first met. Where he had used the cheesiest line in history, but had still managed to get me fall head over heels for him. I lit up a cigarette. I'd started carrying a packet around with me, for when things got too much. I didn't have one that often, once a week maybe. Again I realised too late what I had really done. Can I bum a cigarette? I can't believe I had been so stupid. I was replaying the events, without even realising it. I missed him so much, more than I had done in the 8 years we had been apart. At least then I knew he was safe, he had his family caring for him. Now all I could see were his blue eyes, alone, staring into nothingness. I didn't like closing my eyes whenever I did all I saw was him, not happy him that I remember mostly, but hurt him, pained him, the Ryan Atwood from Chino, blood all over him.

"Hey," Seth stood next to me, staring out at the ocean.

"Hi,"

"I'm sorry,"

"I'm sorry for you too,"

"No I mean I'm sorry you both didn't get what you deserved." I looked at him blankly. "You didn't get each other. He only never told you because he didn't want to hurt you, it had nothing to do with being afraid of being hurt himself, I think that was an excuse. He wouldn't have cared how much he hurt himself, if he thought it would have made you happy. But he didn't think you would have been happy...or satisfied...with him." I just buried my head in his chest, the tears flowing. It took me a while to steady myself. "Better get back," Seth said taking my hand and leading me up the driveway.

"Can I have this dance?" An unfamiliar man said, his hand reaching out.

"I...erm," Summer nudged me with her elbow. "I guess." He took my hand and led me to the dance floor.


	21. Chapter 20

_It's a secret_

Chapter 20

As we turned the corner I wasn't sure if they would be in. Suddenly I thought I should have waited until tomorrow morning when I knew they would all be there for breakfast. But realistically I couldn't wait a second longer. I needn't have worried as the driveway came into view. They seemed to be having some sort of party. My heart jumped, I felt alive for the first time in months. The jeep pulled up, I knew everyone would be staring at it.

"Thank you," I said as I stepped out of the car.

"No problems," The driver replied, waving as he drove off. I stood there staring at the house, the house where I did grown from boy to man. The house that was my home. For a moment everyone stared back at me. Kirsten was the first to reach me, throwing off her high heels as she ran down the drive. She jumped into my arms almost knocking me over. Sandy was hot on her heels, reaching me just in time to steady me. Summer, Seth and Chloe appeared at the doorway of the house.

"RYAAAN!!!" Summer and Chloe screamed as they ran down, throwing off their heels just as Kirsten had done. Summer and Chloe hugged me, which was quite difficult as Kirsten still had a firm grasp round me. Seth came running down, reaching me as Kirsten and the rest let go. He threw his arms around me, and then quickly backed off.

"Sorry, no man love," He apologized.

"I think we can make exceptions," I grinned as he pulled me back into a hug. They were all crying, even Sandy. I had never seen Sandy cry before. It was odd, yet comforting, knowing they were all crying out of joy. The music had been turned off and the people dancing looked around. They hadn't realised what had just gone on, the music too loud. It was then that I saw the face I had longed for most, the person who haunted my nightmares, but shone in my dreams. I was still in my army uniform and instinctively placed my hand on my left pocket. It was where I had kept her picture, apart from everyone else's in my helmet. Though all my family had a place in my heart, she owned it. It was hers, always. It almost stopped when I saw her face, staring down at me. She instantly let go of the man she was dancing with and walked down the driveway. She didn't run like the others, she walked slowly, almost stumbling over her own feet. When she reached me she placed her hands on my cheeks.

"You're real." She whispered. I nodded slowly; her hands were still in position, warm against my cheeks. I didn't want them to move. "You're really here. I'm not dreaming." Tears flowed down her cheeks, her puffy lips, smiling parted showing bright, white teeth. "2 months, 3 days, 10 hours and..." She looked down at her watch. "43 minutes, since they told me you were gone."

"5 months, 29 days, 14 hours and..." I looked down at my watch just as she had done. "13 minutes, since I last saw you. But who's counting?" Her smile widened and my lips curved at the edges.

"You're here."

"Forever." She leaned in at the same time as I did. Our lips met and I can say that it was the best kiss ever. It was slow, not the average 'passionate' kiss. But I had hoped to do it for the past 8 years, I had wanted to do it since she returned to Newport and I needed to do it since I went to war. Because of that I felt more from that kiss than I could from her telling me she loved me a million times over. I wanted to stay like that forever, but eventually we parted. Seth made a move to pick up my rucksack.

"It's fine," I said.

"Come on, you gotta let me do it." I just nodded, he seemed like he wanted to make up for me going to Afghanistan and not him. I would tell me later that he didn't need to. I hauled the huge bag onto his back and looked like he was going to collapse. I laughed for the first time in a long time. I reached out, taking the sack from him and placing it on my own back like it was as light as a feather. Other people had joined us now, a few of my comrades included.

"Ryan, you got out?"

"How?"

"The whole thing was in ruins, you couldn't have, how the hell?" Were just a few of the questions that reached my ears. I'd answer them later. Now I was with my family, back where I belonged and I wasn't going to waste a second of it. I made my way up to the house, Seth, Summer, Chloe and Marissa joined me as Kirsten, Sandy and Julie said goodbye to everyone. I threw my bag down and collapsed onto the sofa, resting my right leg on the table. They sat down around the room; Summer eyed my leg and then me.

"Did you get hurt Chino?" She asked.

"He was in a war woman!" Seth replied, placing his arm around her. Sandy, Kirsten and Julie walked in, taking the spare seats.

"Seth, he's got his leg up on the table!"

"It's nothing, just a little collateral damage." I said.

"Let me look, I'm a doctor's daughter that has to count for something!" I just rolled my eyes and let her bend down and pull up my trouser leg. It would have been a waste of energy trying to stop her. She unwrapped my bandages. She pulled away in horror as soon as she saw it.

"Pretty bad, huh? They said it would take a while to heal. Apparently I'm lucky considering nobody medical saw me until 2 weeks ago."

"It happened in the school?" She asked, still staring at the spot where 2 weeks ago my bone had been sticking out of my skin.

"Yeah." I didn't want to talk about it that much. I hoped they would have just talked about what had been going on in Newport while I was gone. I had been naive. "One of the kid's parents took me in. She thought I was the bomber, so she wouldn't let me go. Her son died in the school. Her daughter probably had too, but nobody had found her body. It took a while to convince her I wasn't bad, but eventually I did and she took me to base."

"Ryan, what exactly happened to your leg?" Seth asked slowly.

"I broke it; the bone was sticking out of my leg." Summer seemed repulsed just at the thought.

"You said 2 weeks?" Marissa asked. I wasn't sure what she meant so I stared at her blankly. "2 weeks since you got medical help, at the base I presume?" I nodded. "So why didn't you call?"

"I was in Afghanistan until yesterday; I couldn't call you from there. Then I got to L.A this afternoon, so I thought I'd surprise you." I gave a half hearted smile, not sure if she was angry at me for not ringing a head. Within seconds she was beaming at me. "Nice surprise?"

"Yes," She replied.

"Great," Summer added.

"Awesome," Seth continued.

"Seth?" I looked toward my brother.

"Yep,"

"Do babies mind getting woken up?" He stared at me confused. Suddenly he lit up.

"Oh yeah, Josh! I'm not even sure he's asleep!" Seth quickly got up and ran upstairs.

"Ryan, I can't believe you're..." Kirsten laughed. "This is fantastic. This is more than fantastic." I smiled at her, she was so happy. Seth returned, cradling Josh in his arms. He looked so much bigger than on the picture he had sent me. I had no idea kids could grow so much in 2 months. Seth sat next to me.

"He's beautiful," I stared in awe at the baby in front of me. "Congratulations guys!"

"Do you want to hold your nephew, Uncle Ryan?" Seth said.

"I'm not sure that's a..."

"Don't be stupid!" Summer interrupted.

"No guys, seriously I've never held a baby. I'll drop him or something."

"Neither had Seth, but I trusted him." Summer smiled at me.

"I'm being serious, I'm really bad..."

"Shut up and hold my son!" Seth laughed as he handed me Josh. He felt so light, so breakable. I stared into his eyes for a while; they were just like Seth's. But he had Summer's nose. He yawned, a little baby yawn. It was amazing. I handed him back to Seth.

"You're really lucky," I said.

"Ha, I wonder if you'd still think that if you were the one getting up at whatever hour every night!" Seth exclaimed, making everyone laugh.

"Can I stay here tonight, in the pool house? I don't really feel like..." Kirsten cut me off.

"Of course!"

"Chloe, are you...?" I turned to my niece.

"I've been living here dummy!" She smiled at me.

"I'll go get changed then," Summer stopped me from getting up.

"Wait here," She dashed off, returning seconds later with a camera in her hand.

"What's that for?" I said.

"You're in uniform." We all looked at her, confused looks on our faces. "Come on, am I the only one who thinks he looks hot???!!!" Everybody laughed.

"No you're not!" Julie piped.

"Mom!" Marissa's cheeks had turned bright red.

"What, he is cute. Uniform or no-uniform! Ryan do they let you keep it?" Julie turned toward me.

"I...erm...I guess."

"Could you wear it sometimes?"

"Mom, he isn't wearing a uniform to fulfil you're sick fantasies!" Marissa had almost gone purple.

"Oh well, it was worth a shot," We all burst into hysterics again. When I'd pulled myself together I got up and let Summer take a few pictures.

"Am I free to go?" I asked.

"You're off duty...for now." Summer replied. I chuckled as I walked out of the house, past the swimming pool and into the pool house.

I was home. Finally. It felt great.


	22. Chapter 21

_Marissa_

Chapter 21

Ryan had only got back last night, but Summer and Seth were determined that the baby shower that they had been putting off was going to be as soon as possible, which meant having it today. I rang my fingers through my hair, I had left it down, thinking that Ryan like it better like that. I hadn't even managed to be with him without someone else being there too, which meant we hadn't talked properly. It also meant we hadn't had the chance for a second kiss. I got up and strolled downstairs. I'd gone to Mom's to get ready, not wanting to interrupt any of the preparations. Mom was fixing her hair using the mirror in the hall, Paul her boyfriend, or manfriend as I called him, was in the lounge.

"Where did you put the present?" Paul called.

"In the lounge," Mom called back, she still hadn't noticed me.

"Yeah, I'm in the lounge. I can't see it."

"By the telly,"

"Got it!"

"Good," Mom finished her hair then turned around, seeing me for the first time. "Marissa, that dress looks great!"

"Thanks Mom," I said pecking her cheek.

"But your hair..."

"What?"

"I thought you would wear it up,"

"Oh, does it look bad?"

"No, not bad, but I think it would look better up."

"I think it's great either way," Neither of us had realised the arrival until he spoke.

"Thanks," I blushed like a teenage girl when I looked at him.

"Ryan, what are you doing here?" Mom asked.

"Well, I'm kinda your cab driver..." Mom and I gave him a blank look. "It was Summer's idea, so you can drink. I'll take you home as well."

"Won't you want any alcohol?" Mom asked.

"Nah, I can't," Mom and I looked at him blankly. He stared at his feet. "Painkillers."

"Oh...well thank you," Paul arrived then.

"You must be Ryan?" Paul said, shaking Ryan's hand.

"Yes, Paul?" Ryan replied as he let go.

"Yep, nice to meet you,"

"You too,"

"Paul, Ryan's going to take us and bring us back, so we can drink." Mom said as Paul put his arm around her.

"Thanks, are you sure?" Paul looked at Ryan.

"No problem. Are we...ready?" Ryan's eyes didn't leave mine, even though he was directing his question at everyone.

"Yeah, let's go!" Mom said.

It wasn't a long drive to the hall where the shower was going to be, but Mom still managed to fit in awkward questions.

"So, Ryan, I couldn't help, but notice how you and Marissa greeted each other last night, on the driveway." Mom said from the back, leaning her head through the gap between the two front seats. I was sat in the back next to Mom, Paul in the front with Ryan. I elbowed Mom, trying to get her to shut up. "Don't nudge me, I'm your mother, I'm allowed to ask." Paul laughed.

"I wasn't there last night, what greeting?" Paul asked with a smile on his face. Somehow I got the feeling Mom had already told him and he was doing this for sheer enjoyment. I was silent and so was Ryan.

"A spot of making out," Mom answered for him, they were clearly enjoying this.

"It was not making out," I huffed, looking out the window. Though making out was very appealing, I wouldn't let my mother know.

"Whatever. The point is, are you two together?" Mom asked, still with her head poking through the gap. Ryan shrugged his shoulders.

"Look we're here!" He said, he sounded so relieved to have avoided the question. We all got out, Ryan and I waited behind whilst Mom and Paul went inside.

"Hey," He said, turning toward me.

"Hey," He was silent for a minute, just staring into my eyes. I stared back into his.

"Would you...would you like to...are we...are we together?" He stuttered.

"Do you want to be?" I asked, still staring into his eyes.

"Did you read the letter?" I leaned in; the second kiss, just as great as the first.

"Yes...and...I...feel...exactly...the...same." I said, punctuating each word with a kiss.

"We should go inside," He said, taking my hand and leading me in.

********************************************************

Ryan returned from the bar, sitting down next to me at the table. Seth and Summer sat opposite us.

"So, it went well?" Summer asked.

"It was brill Sum," I reassured her.

"He's one lucky boy," Ryan said, we all turned our heads to where Sandy and Kirsten were playing with Josh.

"Yeah," Seth said.

"Speaking of lucky boys..." Summer turned her head back to Ryan. "You're alive, which just defies the odds. Not that I'm complaining at all. Then you have the girl of your dreams on your arm." He raised his eyebrows. "Chino, are you and Coop together? Because you should be, you really should, and if you're not please say, because then it gives me and Seth more time to think of a plan to get you together." Then a song started playing. Ryan instantly got up and reached out for my hand, almost as an answer to Summer's question.

"Ryan Atwood, dancing?" I teased.

"Well, I did request the song so I guess I have to," he smiled. It was then I recognised the song. It was the same one we had danced to outside the pool house. It was OUR song. I put my arms around his neck and he wrapped his around my waist.

"I've realised that I haven't told you something," He whispered. I got worried, there were so many things. Maybe his leg was worse than he let on or maybe they making him go back out to Afghanistan.

"What?" I whispered back, staring into his perfect eyes.

"I love you," He loved me, the words I had longed to hear escape his perfect lips. He loved me.

"I love you too," I said, leaning in for another kiss and then placing my head on his shoulder.

The moment was perfect. My life seemed perfect. He was perfect.


	23. Chapter 22

_Ryan_

Chapter 22

"**So...what now?" Seth said, his arms crossed over his chest. We'd just finished moving all of Chloe's stuff back into the house, well I had just finished the moving and Seth had finished the directing.**

"**I dunno," I shrugged.**

"**Can we go shopping?" Chloe asked, looking up at me.**

"**Chloe, how can you possibly need more stuff?" I groaned.**

"**I don't have that many clothes," I rolled my eyes.**

"**What, all that stuff I dragged over here isn't really yours?" Summer and Marissa laughed. It felt so good to hear them laughing.**

"**A girl can never have too many clothes," Summer and Marissa said in unison.**

"**We beg to differ," Seth and I said, as Marissa grabbed our hands and led us out to the car. Summer followed behind us with Josh in his car seat and Chloe soon after. We all got in; as Chloe got in I noticed something. I laughed so hard.**

"**What's so funny?" Chloe asked, slapping me on the shoulder.**

"**Well, you've brought your purse," I chuckled.**

"**So..."**

"**You really gunna need it?"**

"**I'm going shopping,"**

"**With Summer," Everybody laughed then. Summer spent ridiculous amounts of money on Chloe; I couldn't begin to imagine how much she would spoil Josh or even worse if in the future she had a little girl to dress. I could just imagine Seth's look of horror as soon as a credit card bill came in. **

"**Just cause you refuse to spend your millions,"**

"**Billion," **

"**You're a billionaire?" Summer gasped.**

"**I made a few investments," **

"**Summer hide your money, Ryan's paying for this trip!" Seth teased, though I really wouldn't mind if he was being serious. **

**************************************

"**I can't wait for debutant," Chloe said excitedly as she munched on some chilli fries, in the diner we had always gone to. The summer holidays were nearly gone and I only been home to experience a week of them. **

"**When is it?" Marissa's eyes lit up. What was it with this whole thing? I'd been to 7 and I still failed to see the attraction.**

"**Saturday,"**

"**Oh my god, Chloe it's only a week away. When do we go down for your fitting?" Summer seemed equally excited as she joined in the conversation. I looked at Seth, he just rolled his eyes. He had been trying really hard to get it just right, but he was still crap.**

"**Wednesday,"**

"**Can I come?"**

"**I expect you all to come," Chloe smiled at us and then looked directly at me. "Can you give me away?" **

"**I...erm...wouldn't you like your Dad, I mean we can call him and..." Chloe cut me off.**

"**He's never really been a...Dad. I didn't know him till Mom died and even then it was you that looked after me. He tried but he couldn't, you know what he's like...means well but ends up getting things really wrong. Plus I haven't seen him for 2 years. You're like my big brother, at the least my extremely cool uncle, but if I was going to call anyone Dad...it would be you." I smiled.**

"**Wow, you've really thought about it, huh?"**

"**Yeah,"**

"**I'd love to give...wait is it even called give away? Because I thought that was weddings?" I looked at Marissa, the expert on such matters. It felt so good to be able to wrap my arm around her, knowing she was safe. I felt safe too. She laughed.**

"**I'm not sure,"**

"**Marissa Cooper you have failed us as Newport princess!" Seth exclaimed. "Summer?"**

"**I don't know either Cohen,"**

"**God, am in a parallel universe?" Seth teased. **

"**Shut up Seth," Chloe muttered, I laughed, a lot of Summer had brushed off on her. Chloe looked down at her phone. "Do you mind if I go? Gregg wants to meet up," **

"**Who's Gregg?" I asked, the name being new to me.**

"**My boyfriend,"**

"**What happened to Tom?"**

"**She dumped the poor guy in front of everyone, then went off with Gregg a day later," Seth answered my question, Chloe glared at him.**

"**Ouch!" I wasn't sure what to say.**

"**Look, it wasn't working." Chloe said.**

"**Okay..." I had really thought they were prefect together.**

"**See you all," Chloe got out of the booth, waved and left.**

"**We better get going," Summer said, reaching for her bag. Seth picked up the carrier Josh was sleeping in and stood up next to Summer. **

"**You guys coming?" Seth asked. Me and Marissa looked at each other.**

"**We're...gunna stay," I said, turning my eyes back to Seth.**

"**Good job bro, can't let all those chilli fries go to waste!" He said as they left.**

"**You think he really thinks we're staying to eat?" Marissa asked.**

"**We aren't?" She poked me. "It's Seth, anything is possible," I laughed. I left a tip on the table and with my arm around her waist we strolled out onto the pier. The sun was just beginning to set, the blue ocean now looked orange and the once crowded beach was almost deserted apart from a few dog walkers.**

"**So, debutant, I bet your excited," She teased as we walked along the sand.**

"**No, but I know you are. What is it with this thing?" I replied.**

"**I'm not sure."**

"**Do they do stuff like it in England?"**

"**I don't think anyone does it outside of the O.C." **

"**True,"**

"**Ryan," She leant her head on my shoulder, still walking. "I think you should come over to dinner, with my Mom," I laughed.**

"**So she can meet your boyfriend? I think she knows me,"**

"**I'm being serious, would you?" She stopped me walking and pulled me to face her. She seemed worried.**

"**Of course," She leaned her head back on my shoulder and we started walking again.**

***************************************

"**Hey," Seth opened the door. Marissa was still living with Seth and Summer until she found an apartment. I walked in. "Nice...tie,"**

"**Erm...thanks." We went into the living room; Marissa and Summer were sat down on the sofa.**

"**So Ryan's here, ready for his meeting with Satan," Seth said whilst jazz handing in my direction.**

"**Oi, she is my Mom!" Marissa chuckled, getting up from the sofa.**

"**Ok, now if she makes a move on you call a waiter, they're bound to be cute and distracting," This was Seth's advice for me?**

"**What the...?" Marissa looked at him blankly.**

"**Did you see her eyeing him up when he was in uniform?" We all laughed at him. I took Marissa's hand and led her out.**

"**Bye guys," I called as I shut the door behind me.**

****************************************

"**When do you go back to work Ryan?" Paul asked. So far the dinner had been uneventful, which I was glad for.**

"**A few weeks," I answered.**

"**So you've got a bit of spare time on your hands?"**

"**I suppose..."**

"**I'd like to take you paragliding; I think you'd really enjoy it,"**

"**I don't do...heights," **

"**Oh, that's a shame. Well sailing maybe?"**

"**Sailing I can do," Paul didn't seem bad, probably the best of all of Julie's suitors. The waiter came up then.**

"**Can I get you anything else?" He asked. Paul looked around us all, we each shook our heads.**

"**No thanks," Paul said.**

"**Here's your bill and we look forward to seeing you again," The waiter placed the bill on the table then left.**

"**I'll get this," I put my credit card in the leather holder and left a 10 dollar tip. Soon we'd been charged and had left. We went our separate ways in the parking lot.**

"**I look forward to seeing you again Ryan," Paul shook my hand.**

"**Hopefully we'll see you before the debutant," Julie pecked me on the cheek and pulled Marissa into a hug. **

"**You too," Marissa smiled back. We left for our car. **

"**That wasn't too bad," Marissa said, putting her arms around my neck before I had a chance to open the car door.**

"**No. I think it's got something to do with the hair." She looked at me blankly. "She's going grey, the fire is burning out," She laughed.**

"**You better not let her hear you saying that,"**

"**Oh I'll be very quiet," She leaned in for a kiss. **

"**I like your kisses even when you have bad breath," I smiled; she hit me playfully on the shoulder and walked round to the passenger side.**

**It was hard to stay focused on the road with Marissa beside me. I could watch her all day, not just because she was beautiful; she was beautiful, more beautiful than anyone. But there was something more. I enjoyed wondering what she was thinking, guessing at what was going around in her head. I still couldn't believe this was actually happening. It had only been 2 weeks, but it was 2 weeks of heaven. I hoped more than anything that I could spend the rest of my life by her side. When we reached Seth and Summer's I got out and opened the door for her, taking her hand I led her to the house. **

"**Hmmmm," She murmured as our lips parted. "Do you want to come in?" She asked.**

"**I'd love to...but I can't." I whispered. "Chloe."**

"**Maybe we could go to your place sometime?"**

"**I'd like that," I said kissing her lips.**

"**Bye,"**

"**Bye," I unwrapped my arms from around her waist and walked back to the car.**

"**Ryan," She called after me, I spun round. "I love you,"**

"**I love you too," I said, looking into her eyes. I then turned around and got into the car. Just as I was about to turn on the ignition my cell rang. "Hello,"**

"**Ryan," Chloe was on the other end of the line, her voice was shaky, it sounded like she was crying.**

"**Chloe?"**

"**I'm sorry to interrupt, but..."**

"**Your not interrupting anything hun, are you ok?"**

"**Can you come home?" **

"**I'll be right there," **


	24. Chapter 23

_Ryan_

Chapter 23

"**Honey what's wrong?" I ran into her bedroom, I'd been thinking of explanations on the car drive home. So many thoughts had gone through my mind; I even consider the possibility of her being pregnant. She got up from where she was sat on her bed and buried her head in my chest. I enveloped her in a hug. "Chloe?"**

"**I'm sorry, I'm being stupid," She said sitting down on the bed.**

"**You're not. Tell me what's wrong,"**

"**Gregg..."**

"**He cheated, he dumped you?"**

"**No...he...forced...himself on me." She put a finger to her mouth before I could speak. "I don't want police, I stopped him before he could...do anything. I just want Tom. He'd never hurt me." I stared into her eyes. "It made me realise how much...how much I loved...Tom," It took me all my might not to get up and go over to this Gregg's house and hit him till he couldn't feel the pain anymore, but I remembered what had happened last time I'd done something stupid to 'defend a girl's honour' as Summer had put it.**

"**Clo," I put my arm around her shoulders, not sure how comfortable I was having this conversation, it would have been bad enough, but it brought back painful memories.**

"**I was so stupid; I only broke up with him because I couldn't cope. I couldn't cope without you. With Tom he wanted me to talk, he was patient, but he wanted me to talk at some point. I didn't have to do that with Gregg. I didn't have to face my...fears."**

"**Talk to Tom,"**

"**He'll never understand...he hates me,"**

"**Chloe, he loved you once and people can't just fall in and out of love. If he loved you he'll always love you."**

"**I can't..."**

"**Chloe, don't make a mistake. You'll regret for the rest of your life. I promise you."**

"**Can you phone Summer and Marissa?" **

"**Of course I will," I kissed her forehead and went to the phone.**

"**Hey," I said, not knowing who had picked up.**

"**Hey buddy," Great, Seth. **

"**Could you get Summer and Marissa round here? It's Chloe. Bring yourself and Josh, I think we're in for a long night." **

"**Sure, see you soon," He hung up.**

**********************************************************

"**She's in her room," I was sat in the kitchen when they arrived.**

"**Okay let's go Coop," Summer guided Marissa upstairs. Seth sat on the stool next to me, placing Josh's carrier on the island counter.**

"**So, let me guess boy troubles?" Seth said.**

"**Yeah,"**

"**Care to elaborate?" I just looked at him sideways. "I'll take that as a no..." There was silence. "Come on let's put on a DVD," Seth got up and headed for the lounge. "Get Josh,"**

"**If you ever need a break, you know where to find me," I muttered to the little face in the carrier. **

"**Beauty and the Beast? Seth you better be joking!" My mouthed almost dropped open when I saw the DVD that he had brought with him.**

"**Summer only lets Josh see Disney films; so far this is the most violent one I've found," I took a deep breath.**

"**Put it on," I unstrapped Josh and cradled him in my arms as I sat down. **

**We were halfway through when the girls came down. Chloe cuddled up on one side of me and Marissa on the other. Summer cuddled with Seth.**

"**Oi, Mr Popular, if you get two girls can I at least have Josh?" Seth moaned. I got up, gave Josh back to his proud parents and then sat back down in between Marissa and Chloe.**

**********************************************

"**I've come to this stupid thing and I've got no one, I hate it." Chloe said. She was facing us in her white debutant dress, everyone else milling about around her. **

"**Hey, come on, I'm sure they'll be queuing up when they hear you haven't got a date."**

"**Oh really? The half decent guys all thing I'm a bitch after what I did to Tom and the rest are water polo players, Gregg's stupid friends."**

"**Chloe, why don't you talk to Tom? Tell him why you did it,"**

"**We've been through this a hundred times!"**

"**Then let's make it a hundred and one."**

"**He hates me," She stopped me before I could anything more. "Ryan don't even try,"**

"**Chloe, do you want to go home?" Seth asked.**

"**I..." She stopped; we turned around to see what had caught her attention. Tom was stood there, in tux, with a red rose in his hand.**

"**I'm sorry to interrupt, but I heard somebody needed a white knight," He looked down at his feet. Chloe ran straight at him, hugging him tight. After being freed Tom looked at me. "Is it ok if...?"**

"**It's more than ok, but you don't need my permission." I smiled; I hadn't seen Chloe this happy since the night I returned home. **

"**We're gunna go..." Chloe trailed off.**

"**Have fun, be safe," Seth teased. Chloe just rolled her eyes and walked off with Tom. Marissa tugged at my arm.**

"**I'm borrowing you for a minute," She said, giving a wave to Seth and Summer. She led me outside to the bench; our bench. Everything seemed to be ours in Newport; everything seemed to hold a memory. **

"**So..." I asked, staring into her eyes. She didn't even say a word, just leaning in for a kiss. It was magical. When we parted I put my arm over her shoulder and we turned to look out on the night sky. "You should invite your Dad over," I don't know what had made me think about that, probably all the memories of our previous debutant together.**

"**Yeah, when I find a place of my own," **

"**You still wanting to rent or do you want to buy something?"**

"**I think I'm a little too sure I'll be spending the rest of my life here to just rent," I leant in but she laughed and pushed me away. "You've got to go give a white knight his girl," She teased, giving me a peck on the lips and walking away, presumably to take her seat. **

**Seth and Summer were together, they had fulfilled their destiny.**

**Tom and Chloe were just starting out on a journey, they would become each other's destiny.**

**Me and Marissa we were together, our destiny was to never be apart again.**


	25. Chapter 24

_Ok, this note is going to make any sense until you read the story. So I was toying with what I should call them. Big Ryan and Little Ryan was the obvious but I wanted to be a little different. Say if you like it or don't. Oh and don't think I'm just resolving things in one chapter and not making anything out of it...like the Dawn thing and what happens in this one. They all come in later._

_Please check out my 2 other fics, :D_

_Please review :D_

_Marissa._

Chapter 24

I almost skipped down the pier to meet the others. Life had been great...no amazing the past 2 months. Things with Ryan really were going fantastically well, we hadn't argued about anything major for the entire time. He was an amazing guy, what made me feel best was that he was MY amazing guy. All mine.

"Hey," I said, pecking Ryan on the lips as I slid into the booth.

"Hey," He replied.

"Hi Coop," Summer said.

"Hi Coop," Seth said.

"Cohen you can't call Coop Coop!"

"Why?"

"It's wrong on all levels of wrong!"

"Well you call Ryan Chino."

"You've never called Ryan Chino in your life! I'm the only one who calls him that!"

"I suppose, but I can call him Atwood!"

"Seth, stick with first names," Ryan said, rolling his eyes.

"Atwood, you're meant to be on my side!" Seth whined.

"I'm not gunna reply if you call me that,"

"Fine. So how are things, Ryan?" Seth said, emphasising Ryan's name.

"By things you mean..."

"General things, like work?"

"Work is good...Seth what are you up to?"

"Can't a brother ask how you're doing? Sheesh!" Ryan raised his eyebrows. "Ok, so there's this graphic novel convention and..."

"Seth I'm not going, I'm 26."

"Yes my brother, but love for comics never dies."

"Yes it does if you don't want to look like someone who still lives with their Mom," We laughed.

"Well Ryan I don't live with my Mom and I still love comics,"

"Seth it's your job,"

"Whatever, bail on a brother, very good,"

"Are you excessively using the word brother to try and make me feel guilty?"

"That is possible. So now we've got that cleared up, what have you been up to? It seems like we haven't talked in ages."

"Seth we talked yesterday."

"Oooookkk, but I still think we need to arrange some morning Seth and Ryan time,"

"Really, cause I was thinking the same," Seth's eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"No Seth."

"You really are rather mean Ryan Atwood,"

"Seth, I'm open to Seth and Ryan time...just not in the morning,"

"But that is our time, our time of day, we can't swap it, we were given it and we should use it wisely."

"Seth, you are not coming into my house at 7 in the morning,"

"Possibly earlier, do you know what time Josh gets up!?" Ryan just rolled his eyes and looked at Summer.

"Anything new?" He asked.

"Well, me and Coop are helping plan the Casino night," Summer answered.

"Really?"

"Yep, we've already got you boys your suits,"

"I'm not going,"

"Ryan come on, don't be a spoil sport," Summer pleaded.

"Ryan look it's a Newport party, I hate it, you hate it, let's hate it together." Seth said, trying the more upbeat approach to persuading Ryan to come along.

"Guys, I haven't been to Casino night since...Dawn came. I really don't feel like going." He looked down, fiddling with his straw.

"Oh, well...yeah, but you have to come." Seth continued.

"Look I'll think about it, ok?"

"We'll take that as yes," Then I noticed somebody had come over to our table.

"Ryan?" Ryan looked up at the lady. She was a tall brunette. She looked stunning, but in a natural way, she looked like a normal woman, not some stick thin model. I saw Ryan's expression instantly turn to one of annoyance.

"What do you want?"

"We have to talk,"

"Tamsin we have nothing to talk about," So this lady was Tamsin, his ex-fiancé.

"Please," We scooted up to let her sit on the booth. "In private?"

"I'll end up telling them all anyways,"

"Ok," She looked around, Seth and Summer wore expressions of anger. She looked at me, seeing the confusion in my eyes. "You must be Marissa, I'm Tamsin."

"I know. How do you know I'm...?" She cut me off.

"Ryan talked about you a lot. He had a couple of photos."

"Are you gunna talk or what?" Ryan snapped

"Ryan, I'm sorry, I want you to forgive me,"

"Why? We're not getting back together, I've moved on, just like you did...but I waited until after we'd split up."

"Ryan I have a son, I want to be a mother, I don't feel I can do that properly if there's someone in the world who hates me. He's not yours," She added the last bit after seeing Ryan's look of horror.

"Whose is he?"

"Simon's, it's why he left me. He didn't want kids."

"How much money do you want?"

"I don't want money Ryan, I just..."

"You do, you want money so you can look after your kid," Ryan began forcefully but by the end of his sentence he almost seemed to have sympathy for her.

"I don't, I just want to be able to be a good Mom. Sometimes I wonder if he could ever have a Dad."

"I can't be that,"

"I know. I don't expect that of you. I just want to know you can call me a friend, or at least not speak about me with disgust."

"Tammy...I don't understand what you're asking..."

"I'm asking if there is any chance you could put the past behind us...be friends, nothing more." She glanced at me. "You already had a soul mate even before I came along." Just then a little boy came running into the diner.

"Mommy you said you were getting waffles!!!" The little boy said indignantly as he stopped at our table, staring at Tamsin.

"I know honey, I will do," She replied, kissing his forehead and getting out of the booth.

"Mommy can you ask your friends if they'll play with me?" The little boy looked around at us.

"Ryan, I think they're a little too big for that."

"Hold on, you called him Ryan?" Ryan said.

"It seemed to fit; it was the best name I could think off."

"Is it bad I'm called Ryan?" The little boy asked.

"No sweetie it's not," Tamsin replied.

"Well can you ask them?"

"Why don't you ask them?"

"Can you play with me?" We all looked at each other. Ryan shrugged his shoulders.

"I've never played with anyone your age, I'm not sure I'd be very good," Ryan said softly.

"It's ok I'll teach you," Little Ryan jumped up on to the booth where his Mom had been sat before. "We'll play stories,"

"Stories?" Seth asked, looking puzzled.

"We have to each tell a story, didn't you ever play it?"

"No, I didn't but I'm sure it's fun," Seth said.

"It is! What are you called?"

"I'm Seth,"

"I'm Summer,"

"I'm Marissa,"

"I'm...Ryan,"

"You have my name,"

"I guess I do,"

"That's so cool; I don't know anyone called Ryan."

"Cool,"

"Seth you start,"

Seth began telling a story, it was one of the Atomic County episodes, I recognised it. He used the same characters, Kid Chino, The Ironist, Little Miss Vixen, Cosmo Girl, they all played their part. When he had finished Little Ryan looked at My Ryan.

"Ryan," The little boy said.

"Is it my turn?" Ryan replied.

"No, I want to ask you a question."

"Ok..."

"Are you someone's Daddy?"

"No...I'm not,"

"Do you want to be a Daddy? My Daddy didn't, so I don't have one."

"Um...being a Dad is...you have to really think about it. You have to make sure that the lady and the man want to be a Mommy and a Daddy. I don't think I'd make a very good Daddy."

"You would, you're nice. Where is baby's Mommy and Daddy?" He pointed at Josh.

"That's me and Summer," Seth said. Tamsin came over then.

"Come on big boy," She said, ruffling her son's hair.

"Ok, bye, bye, thank you for the story Seth," The little boy waved us goodbye.

"So that was..." Seth began.

"Very strange," Ryan ended his sentence for him.

"So that was Tamsin?" I said.

"Yeah,"

"That's cute, calling him Ryan," Summer said.

"It is?" Cause I found it a little bit creepy," Seth said. "I mean finding out your ex has, like, something for you still, so much so that she called her kid after you, that is rather strange. You think she wanted to get back together, cause where I'm sitting it kinda looked that way,"

"Seth, I don't know ok. I don't know why she called her kid Ryan, I don't know what the whole forgiveness thing was about and I don't know why she came here. She's Tammy, you never know the why."

"I guess that's true,"

"It really doesn't matter. She's part of my past, not my future."

"So what shall we do? We have a whole day of free."

"No we don't,"

"What?"

"I've got to do the garden,"

"Ok...Ryan there is a thing called a gardener, I believe you have one."

"He's on holiday, come on lazy,"

"But I don't do..."

"Heavy duty work, its ok I'll let you do the pruning," We all laughed as we got out of our seats.

I remembered what Ryan said, part of my past, not my future. I couldn't help smiling at the thought that I was part of his future.


	26. Author s Note

Ok guys. I´m not going to be able to get access to my computer for like 2 weeks, maybe more, because I´m on holiday in Spain then a Spanish person is coming to stay at my house. Which means i won´t be able to post on any stories, even though i have a new chapter for all of them :(

I´m also looking to start a new story. I´ve got a few plotlines thought up, but feel free to add your own.

1. Marissa and Ryan have only ever been friends. RYan´s been dating Taylor since he came to Newport. Apart from that everything is the same, the drama etc. etc. Then somehow Taylor dies, like Marissa did, and Marissa is like Taylor was in Season 4, helping him grieve and move on. BUt only better because i don´t think RYan could ever love Taylor as much as he loved Marissa.

2. Ryan picks up Marissa as a prostitute, but he doesn´t want to use her as one. He helps her out. Finding out why is a bit of a plotline, so i can´t tell you that. Basically this summary is shit.

3. Ryan and Marissa are married, so showing like their life. Bits of fluff, but there is quite a major storyline i´ve got thought up, but i cant say because that would be telling now wouldn´t it. :D

4. CHOOSE YOUR OWN! Tell me if you have an idea and want me to write it. I´ll be more than happy to for you lovely people who review or read my stories.

So review this chapter and tell me which storyline you like best. Or if you just want me to do all of them. Or if you want me to do none. YOur choice.

I miss writing my stories :(


	27. Life Sucks

_I'm not going to be able to write for a while. I'm not sure when I'll be able to write. I just don't feel like it._

_My grandma had an operation on her brain tumor and they took as much of it out as they could, but there is still some in. Basically she's going to die and I have no idea how I'm meant to act, feel, react. I don't know. I've got this thing where I want to spend time with her, but it hurts so much because it feels like it's going to be the last time i spend time with her. And i always imagined her being there when I graduated and all that stuff. We had this joke that I'd become a doctor so she could consult me and not have to wait for an appointment at the doctor's surgery. I'll miss her so much and I really don't get why it is happening. The world is cruel. Life is unfair. And right now I hate it._

_I don't even know why I'm posting this on some stupid website with stupid stories about stupid fictional characters that mean absolutely nothing. Nothing means anything anymore. We spend our lives doing stuff, but in the end none of it matters. Nothing matters because everything is out of our control._

_I can't write._


	28. Chapter 25

_I haven't posted this in....AGES! Sorry keep you waiting. It's not even a very good chapter to have waited for. I don't like it that much, but I can't think of any other way to do it._

_Please review :D_

_xoxo_

Chapter 25

**Just waking up with her next to me was enough to make me never want anything again, to make me content for the rest of my life. I watched as she slept, I didn't want to move. Even if I had of wanted to move I wouldn't have been able to, whilst laying on one of my arms she had somehow managed to wrap all of herself around me. I could barely get a hand out to stroke her hair as I would have usually done. I didn't know how anyone could sleep like that, it looked so uncomfortable. Her eyes fluttered open.**

"**Hi," She whispered.**

"**Hello," I whispered back. "Do you think you could let me go, just for a second so I can get some coffee?" She looked away from my face, only just realising how trapped I was.**

"**Sorry," She giggled, I kissed her forehead and quickly got up, put on my boxers and a wife beater and wandered downstairs to get some coffee. Chloe was sat in the kitchen, dressed. I was shocked; I don't think I'd ever seen Chloe dressed before 10am apart from on school days.**

"**Hey," She said, not looking up from her book.**

"**Hey," I eyed her as I stood by the coffee machine, she looked up at me.**

"**What are you staring at?"**

"**Well, you're...dressed," **

"**Yes, I am."**

"**Is there a reason for this strange behaviour?" **

"**Uh huh,"**

"**Do I want to know?"**

"**Tom's taking me out on his boat, to some beach that isn't crowded,"**

"**Very nice," The machine started bleeping and I poured out two mugs. "Things are going...?"**

"**Great, very great. I see you have 2 mugs..."**

"**Yes..."**

"**So things with Marissa are..."**

"**Great, very great." I said, mimicking her. I began making my way out of the kitchen and into the hall.**

"**Oi," I spun round. "I hope you're being safe,"**

"**Don't talk to me about contraception young lady!" I laughed as I walked out; I was in a good mood today. **

************************************************************

"**So, what you wanna do today?" I asked, munching on cereal. Chloe had left half an hour previously and Marissa and I were sat down in the kitchen. She was wearing one of my wife beaters and some of my joggers. She looked so cute.**

"**Not sure," She said, staring down at her magazine.**

"**Well we have to go to that thing at 6," Another Newport party, oh the joys. At least I'd have her beside me.**

"**I have to go to work for a couple hours; I'm covering for Neil," **

"**What time?"**

"**Like 2,"**

"**So, lunch?"**

"**Sure," She returned to her magazine.**

"**So, what exactly is this party for?" I asked between mouthfuls.**

"**Since when was there a reason for a Newport party?" She looked at me across the table, a playful smile on her face. **

"**True." I smiled back. I was the luckiest man alive. She stared back intently into the pages of her magazine. "Which celebrities are getting divorced now?" I asked, referring to the magazine.**

"**It's actually my university newsletter," She stuck her tongue out. I usually teased her about the stupid magazines her and Summer read, personally I thought people should live their own lives, not gossip about other peoples. I got up and put my bowl in the sink, I would wash it later. "You still don't use the dishwasher," She observed.**

"**No, I still don't use the dishwasher,"**

"**Seriously, Chloe needs to teach you how to use that thing; it'll save you a lot of time,"**

"**Time I could be spending doing...?" I wandered over to her and kissed her neck, she grinned.**

"**You can find out later," She whispered as she turned her head sideways. "Right now I'm having a shower," She saw how my face had lit up. "Alone," She pulled me in for a kiss, I wanted to lengthen it, but she pulled away. "Shower," She giggled as she stood up and went upstairs.**

***************************************

"**Thanks," Seth said as I returned with a round of drinks. **

"**So, here we are, nearly 30 and we're still hanging out here." Summer said, almost triumphant that we were still 'cool' enough to be in the bait shop, but slightly worried about hitting the big 3-0.**

"**Ssssh, they'll throw us out if they hear we're that old!" I joked.**

"**Ryan, it's not funny!" Summer hit me. "We're almost 30! That's like...ancient."**

"**Summer, you're missing a few details out,"**

"**What would they be?" She said, crossing her arms.**

"**The only reason you're unhappy is because of your age, even though you're really not that old. Everything else is perfect. You've got the perfect little boy, the perfect husband, practically a perfect life. Why should you be scared of growing old when you have someone to grow old with? In fact you've got 3 of us," I grinned.**

"**Ryan, you are a very deep guy at times," Summer laughed. "I guess you're right, I forget how lucky I am sometimes. I don't say it enough but I really do love you guys,"**

"**We love you too," Marissa smiled. **

"**Yes we do," Seth carried on. "Now, a toast. To growing old together!"**

"**Growing old together!" The rest of us repeated. We held our glasses in the air and then drunk. **

"**You wanna dance?" Marissa asked.**

"**I...I still don't dance," I said slowly.**

"**Ok," She kissed me quickly before dragging Seth and Summer onto the dance floor. I laughed as I watched Seth, he was still as geeky as ever. Someone sat on the sofa next to me.**

"**Hey,"**

"**Tammy?" She nodded. "What...what are you doing here?"**

"**My Mom and Dad took Ryan away for the weekend so I thought I'd spend some time being a normal 29 year old," She smiled at me weakly. "Marissa seems really nice,"**

"**She is,"**

"**I don't how you can forgive her but not me,"**

"**Forgive her for what?"**

"**Leaving you when you were 18,"**

"**A. We weren't engaged, we weren't even dating. B. She never cheated on me."**

"**I guess. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't want to ruin things between you and Marissa, I mean you seem so happy, but..."**

"**What are you on about?"**

"**But, I can't help wondering if you'd be happier with me so..." Tammy threw herself on me, she lay on top of me on sofa, forcing her lips onto mine. **

I went towards him, a break from dancing. She was there. They were kissing. He pushed her off.

"Marissa, no, it's..." I didn't wait for him to finish, I just ran straight out of the doors. He could hear him running after me. I stopped once I was outside and turned towards him.

"She forced herself on me; it's not what it looked like," I didn't answer. "Riss,"

"You were kissing her,"

"She kissed me, I didn't kiss her back."

"She's your ex-fiancé. What else am I meant to think?"

"You're meant to trust me,"

"YOU WERE KISSING HER!" I screamed through tears, nothing what he was saying seemed to be going in.

"I WASN'T!" He shouted back.

"YOU WERE! I'M NOT STUPID, I'M NOT BLIND. I HATE YOU!" Maybe I'd had too much alcohol. I didn't think so. I didn't hate him. I hated what he'd done. He'd kissed her. I saw it. He must have never gotten over her.

"FINE! YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME! FINE!"

"I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN!" I expected him to fight, to shout back at me. He didn't. That's when I knew it was bad. If he was so upset that he couldn't even find the energy to shout, it was bad.

"Maybe that's best. You can't have a relationship without trust," He walked away.


	29. Chapter 26

_Man. I haven't written for ages. _

_I've been watching how I met your mother and I have fallen in love with ted/robin. GO AWAY BARNEY! I'm so freaking upset that she isn't the Mom! And it seems everyone else is fine with barney/robin. NO NO NO! What is wrong with people?! _

_Oh well another doomed couple, just like Ryan/Marissa, that can only be together in my imagination :(_

_So in this chapter and others I want to show Tammy's personality more. She has come off as quite a bitch, just because she made a few bad decisions. I'm thinking of maybe doing something from her POV. What do you think?_

_Well, enjoy._

_Review!_

_Xoxo_

Watching from Afar

**R**

**I woke up. Why had we argued? God, why couldn't she just trust me? I loved her. How many times did I have to say it? How much did I have to do? Was I meant to apologize for it? I hadn't even kissed her; she had pushed herself onto me. Why should I apologize to Marissa? I hadn't done anything. It was her fault for not trusting me enough. I would have trusted her in that situation. Would I? I found myself questioning everything I had ever done involving Marissa. Giving her the cigarette at the end of the driveway. Letting her in on my plan to runaway. Taking her to Chino. Breaking up with her. Letting her leave. Telling her I loved her. Being happy with her. Letting her in so deep. I'd never let anyone in as far as I let Marissa. Nobody else in the world knew me as well as she did. And I had let her get to know me. Letting her get to know me meant letting her have the ability to break me. And now that she had-many times-I found myself wishing I hadn't letting her in. Wishing I hadn't had all those happy times. No way could anything ever balance out the pain. Nothing. **

**I hadn't done anything wrong. I'd loved her. I'd cared about her. I'd wanted to spend every second of every minute of every day with her. And she just threw it back in my face. I couldn't blame her totally. I was stupid enough to let her in. What else did I expect? Happily ever after? Who was I kidding? Nobody gets happily ever after. Nobody (not even Seth, Summer, Kirsten or Sandy were happy all the time) has ever had happily ever after; in the whole history of the world. Nobody. Who was I kidding trying to break that record? **

**I didn't listen to one of the first things you ever get told. Learn from your mistakes. How many times had we tried to make it work between us? Countless. Countless times it failed. But I kept going back for more. More failures, more heartbreak, more...Marissa. You could substitute her name as verb into so many sentences. For example. If you were drunk: "I got totally Marissaed," Your friend expressing their surprise at you sleeping with a low life: "I can't believe you Marissaed with him," Describing your disloyal friends: "You lot are such Marissas," **

**Why was I even thinking that? I wasn't annoyed at her. Why would I be annoyed at her? She was only doing what I would do. No I wouldn't do that. God, my mind was going around in circles. I couldn't decide on a way to feel. I stayed in bed for a while thinking about everything. Then I realised how I should feel. **

**********************

M

What was wrong with me? I'm stalking him now? I wanted to know the truth. Had what I had seen really just been a one off? It had to be. Ryan wouldn't do that to me. Would he? I was so confused. I wasn't sure I knew exactly what I was doing when I set off, following close behind his car. He stopped at an unfamiliar house. We had driven quite far. It was small compared to the other houses in Newport. It didn't have a large driveway. It had a white fence, like in all the movies. I could imagine a mom baking a cake, a kid running around the garden, a dad coming home. I stopped on the street opposite. He got out a walked into the house.

*******************

**R**

"**Heey," Tammy said as she opened the door. She leant back trying to show off her chest area. I shoved past her.**

"**WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU LEFT ME. NOW YOU'VE MADE MY GIRLFRIEND HATE ME. DO YOU WANT TO RUIN MY LIFE?" **

"**Ryan, calm down,"**

"**MARISSA HAS LEFT ME BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU! DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!"**

"**Ryan,"**

"**SHUT UP!"**

"**Ryan's back!" She said through gritted teeth. I looked at her, confused. "My son is sleeping upstairs,"**

"**Oh." I thought for a while. "Why did you do it?" I said angrily, though trying to keep my voice down. I was surprised I hadn't woken him up already.**

"**Ryan, I was stupid letting you go,"**

"**You ****still**** think we can get back together?" I asked sarcastically.**

"**I was even stupider thinking we could ever get back together. I know that now. But it...it was just one of those things, you know, that you have to try, even if you already think you know what the answer is. One of those things you'd kick yourself later for not doing, just because you spend all the time thinking what if."**

"**So you decided to ruin everything for me in the process?"**

"**Ryan, if you guys were meant to be together, 1 you'd have figured your relationship long ago, 2 a stupid ex coming back on the scene wouldn't split you up and 3 she would have more trust in you." And that was it. She had said the words I had been dreading to hear from someone other than myself. We weren't meant to be together. We just...didn't work. I couldn't be angry at Tammy. She had just brought forward the inevitable. Another break up. "I'm sorry."**

"**Don't be." I muttered quietly, the realisation forming in my mind. I was never meant to be with Marissa. She was a girl who I happened to like, who happened to like me. We dated for while. Why had we tried to make it anymore than that? **

"**You want a coffee?"**

"**No. I should be going," I left almost as quickly as I had come. She called after me just as I was about to get in the car. She ran to me.**

"**Ryan. I...you're a really great guy." She said slowly. "I don't deserve to even know someone like you, never mind to have been in love with you." She placed a hand on my cheek. "You've always deserved a lot better than me. Kissing you was just me proving it to myself. If you had kissed me back, it would have meant you weren't the decent guy I thought you were. Kissing me back would have made you a cheater, a bad guy. I guess I hoped you'd kiss me back, not just for the obvious, but because...because it would lessen you, and maybe then I'd...maybe then I'd deserve you. For the first time in my life I might have deserved you."**

"**You deserve better than a guy without a heart," I said softly.**

"**You have a heart."**

"**Not anymore. You look a little bit and Marissa took the rest," She bit her lip.**

"**Is it so wrong that I want back the only decent person in my life? That I want to be happy?" **

"**You deserve anyone in the world. But only one person truly deserves you. You'll find him someday."**

"**What if I've found him and I'm just waiting for him to realise?" She bit her lip again. **

"**You know I can't be what you want or need," I tucked her hair back behind her ear. "See you," I got in the car and drove away, not looking back. **

_Ok. Thanks for reading._


	30. Chapter 27

"Hey Coop," I greeted her. "Where did you disappear to last night?" She looked down into the glass of wine I had just poured for her. "Coop?"

"Ryan and I broke up." She said, almost as a whisper.

"Coop," I put my arm around her. "How come?" Marissa was silent. "Coop..."

"I saw him making out with Tammy," I thought about this for a while.

"What do you mean by 'making out'?"

"I...they were on a sofa and she was on top of him,"

"Did he admit it?"

"No. He said I should trust him." Marissa looked at me, her eyes filled with tears. "I said I hated him, Sum, I told him I never wanted to see him again," I pulled her closer. "He went to her house this morning," Why couldn't they just figure things out? They seemed so perfect for each other when they were happy, but they manage to get unhappy so easily, it seemed they kept falling at the first hurdle.

"You followed him?"

"I had to," She said quietly.

"Did they...?"

"They argued, but then he went all quiet and they were so close and he tucked her hair behind her ear, just like he does with me..." She didn't say anymore she just stopped.

"Come here," I hugged her tight. Seth came in then, happy until he realised Marissa was upset.

"Marissa, what's wrong?" He asked tentatively.

"He hasn't told you?" I asked, surprised.

"He...being?"

"Ryan, Ryan hasn't told you what happened last night?"

"No. But I'm not too into graphic details. I can just about figure out what they got up to without having someone paint a pic..."

"Seth," I silenced him. "Have you seen Ryan?"

"No, I presumed he was still with Marissa,"

"Go find him,"

"And...bring him back here?"

"No, talk to him. Don't bring him back here." I said assertively. He hurried back out.

"I didn't mean what I said," She said weakly.

"I know, honey,"

"Do you think he...?"

"Coop, I don't know. Did he try and say you were being stupid?"

"No. He just left." I was silent. That was bad. Very bad. The only times Ryan hadn't shouted or got angry when he was upset were when Marissa left and Tammy left. It was then that I realised Seth wouldn't find him until he wanted to be found. He would shut himself away. "I can't believe he...but I saw it..." I'm not sure if I could believe that Ryan would cheat on Marissa, but I had to trust her, she was my best friend. After all it was a lack of trust that had split her and Ryan up. "It must be true, I saw it, right?" She looked at me desperately.

"Yes," And there it was. One word, one little lie that I told to make her know I was there for her. Maybe if I hadn't said that everything would have turned out differently, if I said what I thought, that she should trust him, that he'd never do that to her, that he loved her. But I didn't and there it was, one of the biggest mistakes of my life; all in one syllable.

I stayed still and silent, my arms wrapped around her, for at least half an hour. Seth came back in, he was out of breath.

"I can't find Ryan. I've looked everywhere. The pier, in all the shops, his house, Mom and Dad's, the beach, lifeguard station...everywhere. And he's not answering his cell,"

"Chino?"

"Yes, Ryan, Chino, whatever, same person," I shook my head at my husband's slowness.

"No, I mean he might be in Chino,"

"Oh. It'll take me a while to get there, tonight might be too late,"

"Leave him." Marissa said. We both looked at her. "He wants be alone. Let him be." She stood up. "I should go,"

"No, stay here tonight," I insisted. "We can watch movies and stuff...you can borrow some of my sweatpants and stuff,"

"Ok...I'll go...get changed," Marissa Went upstairs. Seth looked at me.

"So, can I know what's going on?" I'd totally forgotten that I hadn't told Seth anything.

"They broke up,"

"What!?" He choked. "Not again,"

"Yes. Maybe this should be the last time."

"But they're meant to be together..."

"Obviously not, how many times have they tried and failed?"

"He can't be happy without her,"

"It seems they can't be happy together either,"

"Why does it have to be so bloody difficult?"

"It's life."

"What happened this time?"

"I...you better hear it from him first, so we can have both sides,"

"Sure." He put his arm around me pulling me close. "We'll figure it out,"

"Yeah,"


	31. Chapter 28

_good people of the world._

_read._

_any of these stories that your patiently waiting to be updated (i think one of them hasn't been updated in quite a few months) will be updated in due course. most of them have half finished chapters that i just cant seem to finish._

_well anyway._

_i have this huge thing in my mind. it's going to be huge._

_it's so huge that i made a blog for it._

_it has some images, showing each of the charcters. _

_alongside them are sort of cryptic things saying the relationships between the characters._

_just type _

_orangesunsets_

_._

_tumblr_

_._

_com_

_all in one._

_please._

_for me?_


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